Habits And Attitudes of Highly Effective Churches (Part 8)
Positive Outcomes to Conflict

There was no deeper alienation in the first-century world than that
between Gentiles and Jews. Here is what Paul said about that chasm in
light of what Jesus had done:

"For [Christ] himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has
destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in
his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was
to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and
in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by
which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you
who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we
both have access to the Father by one Spirit. Consequently, you are no
longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God’s people and
members of God’s household, built on the foundation of the apostles and
prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone." (Eph.
2:14-20).

The church is supposed to model the unity of God’s people before a
fragmented world. We are supposed to demonstrate that community can be a
reality. Not only do we exhibit the divisions of warring factions across
the centuries, however, we periodically seem to self-destruct in our
local churches.

Conflict Cannot Be Avoided
Because we are human, conflict is inevitable in our dealings with one
another. Family, business, school, church — there is no entity with two
or more members that is exempt. The question in the non-cinema, real
world is whether conflict must always be destructive. And the answer to
that question is an unqualified: That depends!

Whether a conflict is destructive or constructive depends on the reaction
the parties involved make to the situation. If the conflict causes them
to forget their common cause and focuses them on the negatives they see
in one another, it will be destructive; if it moves them to clarify their
vision and reaffirm the original commitment they made, it will be
constructive. If the conflict turns into attacks on personalities, it
will be permanently destructive; if it is confined to a problem and
seeking a solution for it, it will be constructive for the long term.

It the conflict reveals hidden agendas in conflict, it can destroy the
relationship; if it enables them to discover a common cause larger than
anyone’s personal agenda, it can free the marriage, company, or church to
move ahead together.

Conflict doesn’t necessarily mean that a bad person is doing a terrible
thing from a rotten motive. Neither does it mean that Satan is
manipulating one or both parties to his wicked purpose. It may be
something as simple as different personalities or as complex as poor
communication. In many, many marriages I have witnessed. conflict has
come into play for a reason as obvious as gender differences. Has anyone
other than me noticed that men and women don’t always think alike? Don’t
always read situations the same? Assume different primary methods of
appropriate response to a common problem?

Would it surprise you to learn that the same dynamics work in a church? A
question to a preacher or elder may not be an indictment at all. Nine
times out of ten, it isn’t. It’s nothing more than a simple request for
information. It expresses the positive desire to be a partner in this
community called church. If more church leaders were aware of that,
significant bloodshed among believers could be avoided.

In James 3, the half-brother in the flesh of our Lord Jesus contrasts
"worldly" methods with the "heavenly wisdom" that is given to the people
of God. If you read him carefully, you will discover that one of the
fundamental distinctions between worldly and heavenly ways is an attitude
toward controversy and peacemaking.

"Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show it by his good
life, by deeds done in the humility that comes from wisdom. But if you
harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast
about it or deny the truth. Such "wisdom" does not come down from heaven
but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and
selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But
the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then
peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit,
impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of
righteousness." (Jas. 3:13-18).

It is the world’s way to pursue personal agendas and to nurture selfish
ambition. There is an unbridled desire to win and to control. On the
other hand, godly people love peace, are considerate toward one another,
and try to avoid personal agendas in the kingdom of God. A key term in
this text is the word translated "submissive" (Gk, eupeithes) in the New
International Version. It is used only here in the New Testament and
could mean submissive or obedient to God. More likely, however, it refers
to a submissive spirit in relation to other people. Thus the New Revised
Standard renders it "willing to yield." It is the opposite of a stubborn
spirit that is closed to discussion and persuasion.

How does one demonstrate a spirit that is open to reason? Is there a
strategy a married couple, business partners, or church members could use
with one another that will generate more positive than negative
outcomes? Yes. And its elements can be laid out fairly easily. The trick
is in remembering to use it when the crunch times come.

A Strategy That Works
The Bible makes it clear that conflict among brothers in Christ is
supposed to be re-solved in a God-honoring way. Jesus interpreted the
Decalogue’s commandment against murder to entail a strategy for resolving
conflict that imposes personal responsibility. If I recall that some
brother has a matter standing open with me that I have not already tried
to address and resolve, I am supposed to leave the worship site and go
look for him. "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and
there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your
gift there in front of the altar," Jesus said. "First go and be
reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift" (Matt.
5:23-25).

Too often it doesn’t work that way. The talking is behind someone else’s
back rather than to his or her face. My duty to you is to talk with you
about any problem I have with you, not some third party. And our mutual
responsibility at that point is to resolve our problem in a way that
glorifies God.

Here are seven steps to resolving conflicts that will work for a family,
an office, or among members of a church.

First, assume right motives on everyone’s part.
If each of us would give the other the benefit of the doubt, some
potential conflicts could die without a confrontation being necessary.
"What did he mean by that comment?" could become "I’m sure he didn’t
mean that the way it could be taken." If you just can’t get the negative
possibility out of your mind, go and ask for clarification. But don’t
assume the worst. Don’t put the most negative possible spin on an action
or statement, for that may say more about you than the other person.

Let’s suppose, however, that a real grievance is already there. When you
call your sister, ask to meet with an elder, or make an appointment with
the youth minister, pray for God to help you assume that she or he has
the same love for Christ and the same desire for peace in the body that
you have. The conversation begins better with that attitude fixed in your
own mind.

Second, clarify the issue(s) at stake. When you sit down to talk, begin
with a prayer for God to help you listen and get clear about what is
really going on. I read of a small town newspaper that regularly ran an
article by one of the local ministers. In one week’s paper, a typesetter
mistakenly inserted a "l" for the letter "h" in a familiar verse that
made it read this way: "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of
angels, and have not clarity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling
cymbal." It is a quotation error, but it is an important truth about
conflict resolution. If we are not clear about what is really at stake,
we will likely never arrive at a satisfactory resolution.

"Bob, if I hear you correctly, you’re saying that you are bothered by . .
.." is a simple technique called restatement. You are reflecting back to
the person in your own words what you have heard. "Ellen, let me say that
back to you, and you tell me if I have the issue clear in my mind."

Third, define your expectations. What is the goal of this conversation?
Are we trying to persuade each other of contrary points of view? Are you
just seeking clarification of a point of view? Do we agree that it is all
right for Christians to have different points of view and still affirm
one another in the Lord?

Do you like silence during the communion? Do you like singing? Do you
like large classes? Do you like small ones? Do you like thematic sermons
through books of the Bible? Do you prefer current-events sermons that
apply the Bible to breaking issues of our time? Do you want the education
building erected this fall? Do you want to wait until we’ve raised half
its cost in advance? Nobody can have his way all the time, and no
decision pleases everybody. Show some Christian charity and generosity.
Don’t expect everything to be the way you would do it if everything were
left to you.

Fourth, brainstorm the possibilities for solving the problem. If it is a
husband and wife dealing with family finances or a church business
meeting about next year’s program, it’s better to hear several
possibilities than to push an agenda or to have one pushed on you. Of
course you have some ideas! But it is always a good plan to ask others to
suggest theirs. You might hear something better than your own, and you
can avoid being embarrassed for not having thought of it!

The idea of "alternative solutions" means this to some people: My way or
the highway. That approach has been used in churches since at least the
time of Diotrophes. He was the first-century church boss who, according
to the apostle John, always had to be first and get his way (3 John
9-10). I’ve met his modern counterpart several times.

I once heard about a "boss elder" whose predictable trump card with which
to veto what five or six other elders had come to agreement on was as
follows: "Well, if we’re going to do that, I guess I’ll just have to find
another church to attend." One night a frustrated fellow-elder in that
church was moved by God to reply in a way different from the usual "No,
we don’t want that!" and to say instead something his fellow-elders were
startled to hear. "I’m going to miss you," he said, "but I want you to
know I’ll always appreciate the good things you’ve done at this church."
Emboldened by him, so said every other man in the room! A speechless
church bully gathered up his papers and left the meeting. That night
marked the liberation of a church that has consistently moved forward
since cutting that shackle off its leadership group that night.

Plural leadership in a church — a body of shepherds, deacons, ministry
leaders, and church staff — is not only more scriptural but more
practical than one-person rule. There is collective wisdom in the pooling
of ideas. Sharing ideas in a non-threatening, non-bullying way with peers
allows creativity to flow. It allows iron to sharpen iron in the give and
take of respectful discussion.

Fifth, decide on a plan of action by consensus rather than unanimity. A
husband and wife making vacation plans or a church deciding on an
evangelistic strategy for its community may never come up with a
unanimous solution. While unanimity may sound ideal, it is not practical
because of the diversity of opinions among bright and spiritual people.

The larger a church grows, the more skill it takes to negotiate conflicts
and reach consensus. The traditional alternative to the painful process
of building consensus is for a group of elders to make a decision and
then try to force it on everybody else. That is the strategy that has
produced repeated church splits. Sometimes the split would occur before
it ever reached the congregation, for somebody in the governing body of
elders was determined to force his way on the rest either by coercion or
veto.

You have probably watched the phenomenon in churches that I have observed
more than once. Leaders trying to find perfect solutions lost the chance
to reach workable ones. In the meanwhile, months or years pass.
Opportunities were lost. And a church died.

The elders at West Broward do not operate like a jury that requires a
unanimous vote. They operate by consensus, and it has been a long time
since I’ve heard anyone say, "Well, that was the group’s decision, but I
was against it!" Not only a body of elders but a whole church — in order
to make solid decisions, rally the troops, and get things done that the
Lord is calling his people to do in this generation — must learn to make
decisions by consensus.

Sixth, act on the consensus decision, support it with daily prayer, and
resist the temptation to be a critic waiting for it to win you over. We
are in service to the God of the Universe. We are preaching the gospel to
the world. We are offering the world an alternative to its
swimming-with-the-sharks mentality. So we must focus on kingdom issues
rather than our personal tastes.

Let’s not be critics but worshipers when we gather on the Lord’s Day!
Let’s use our freedom responsibly. Let’s observe our limitations with
forbearance and grace. Let’s stop chalking up the things we like or don’t
like and simply seek the face of the Lord.

We must be careful not to act like spoiled brats about worship. "I didn’t
get what I wanted!" "We had too many old songs!" "Today wasn’t as good as
last Sunday!" "I don’t like it when we do this or that!"

We don’t assemble to get pleased, but to get challenged. We don’t come
together to find what we want, but to be found by God. We don’t come
together to see what the preacher will have to offer, but to experience
what God will choose to do.

If your heart’s desire is worship, come here and open your heart to God’s
presence with us. When that is your spirit, he will show up to meet you —
even on our "worst days." When we have our high school students conduct
the service, you will still learn something you need to hear from the
Holy Book. When the music is awful, your heart will still soar. When
leaders aren’t as prepared or as competent as you wish we were, God will
still purify and lift you — if you truly come here as a worshiper.

Seventh, agree on a plan for follow-up before you part. Agree on the time
you will meet to review the implementation of the consensus decision that
has been made. Promise each other to pray for and support its
implementation. Pledge yourselves to pray for one another. Then move on
without hard feelings over the original conflict that made the meeting
necessary in the first place.

Conclusion
Isn’t it ironic? The most effective churches are not the most homogenous
ones but incredibly diverse groups whose unity is found in deep
commitment to Jesus. The commitment to something larger than themselves
has bonded black and white, Jews and Gentiles, males and females,
marrieds and singles, old and young, rich and poor, illiterates and
scholars, Stamps-Baxterites and Bach-lovers into one body!

God didn’t call us together with people like ourselves so we could get
along. He has brought us together to crash against each other, sharpen
each other as iron sharpens iron, teach each of us to affirm the other’s
worth and dignity.

He has brought us into the church to teach us to forgive, love, and
cherish one another for Christ’s sake. For that reason, any toehold Satan
hopes to claim because of our diversity and inevitable conflicts gets
turned on him as a positive opportunity to learn more about love for one
another.

Only God could create such a community. What a faithful and mighty God we
serve.

Last modified: April 18, 2006