"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series

#10 “Love, Obedience, and Discipline”

When a family is really a family, interpersonal conflict is inevitable. Even the most loving families experience friction when people live under the same roof. The strains of keeping a marriage healthy, raising children, and making ends meet combine to make a fertile soil for family conflict.

Who's going to feed the baby at 3 AM? Who tracked mud all over the newly-cleaned kitchen floor? Who's been squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle? Who splurged on new spring clothes and wiped out the family budget?

Family conflict does not have to blow a family apart. Through loving patience and understanding, conflict can actually draw a family together. Communication is the key. Solutions to conflict can usually be found where family members can freely talk and listen without being devastated. But sometimes outside help is needed.

“When discipline is reasonable and understandable, and when the parents’ own behavior is consistent with their demands on the child, he will love and respect them even though his surface attitude may now always show it.” – William Glasser, Reality Therapy, pg. 19.

(Ephesians 6:4)  "And the fathers provoke not your children, but nourish them in the instruction and admonition of the Lord."

(Ephesians 6:4)– “Fathers, don’t exasperate your children by coming down hard on them. Take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.”

“Parents, do not treat your children in a way that makes them resentful, that is, be very careful in your talk watching out for the nagging comments and scolding rebukes over things that children will normally do. Be careful not to make unreasonable demands on a child, otherwise, children being overcorrected may lose heart. Use the loving discipline that the Lord approves of for you are rearing the children for Him. Let the children be fondly cherished.”

While the thrust of this entire series is to help parents possess positive principles which will help them "grow" children, the two lessons on discipline may well comprise the "heart" of the series. When discipline is properly defined we will find that it is a concept that encompasses every lesson within the scope of this study. We have a most critical area which deserves careful study and constant attention by parents.

What Is Discipline?

Discipline" is usually associated with punishment but such is terribly wrong. Discipline, properly understood, is instruction and training. It will include punishment but it certainly cannot be limited to it -

in fact, good discipline utilizes only a small amount of punishment.

How is discipline achieved? The child is disciplined through every kind of communicative avenue the parent possesses - words, example, eye contact, attention, personal habits, marriage harmony, spiritual concerns, etc.  The parent who is conscious of these communication avenues will carefully live a "disciplined life" for the child to follow.

There seems to be one significant factor which assists the parent in discipling -- the child must know, beyond all doubt, that he is unconditionally loved. Only then will the child accept the parental guidance

as a lasting control in life. Campbell suggests that when we keep the child' s "emotional tank" filled he will be willing to respond positively to discipline (p. 8lff).

Campbell stresses 2 factors which are critical in the discipline process: (1) Genuine love and acceptance communicated to your child; (2) Practice focused listening so your child will know you understand what he is saying to you. Before you act you consider his feelings and position. NOTE: This does not mean you cater to his whims, you listen to him so he does not feel you have ignored his thoughts and feelings.

Discipline is simply teaching the child to act in a responsible way, : to follow rules and limits. 'Parents who are willing to suffer the pain of the child's intense anger by firmly holding him to the responsible course are teaching him a lesson that will help him all his life" (Glasser,. Reality Therapy, p. 18).

Punishment IS NOT always discipline! Anyone can spank a child and control behavior for awhile - it takes no sensitivity, judgment, understanding, or talent. At times a spanking is the best way to correct a child, but at other times it would be the worse way! Too often we have believed that spanking is the only way to train a child. Our duty as parents is to train (discipline) our child so they will behave properly through life, often a spanking is not the best way to do this. Hopefully we will discover several other options available so we do not always rely on spankings.

"To summarize, in order for a child to respond well to discipline (Training), we parents must give him what he needs. A child can learn (train) well only if he is happy, feels safe, content, confident, secure, accepted, and loved. Expecting a child to learn, namely, be disciplined, without our giving him what he needs is cruel enough. But then to beat him for not living up to our expectations. We treat our pets better than that!” (Campbell, p. 87).

What Is The Objective?

The objective of parental discipline is simple -- It is to train children how to conduct themselves as responsible humans. The Christian parents have a two-fold duty in discipline: they must teach their children to behave responsibly in the worldly realm, and, they must teach their children to behave responsibly in the spiritual realm (church).

"We want the most positive, pleasant, loving relationship we can possibly have with a child. At the same time, we want him to develop self-control and act appropriately to the extent that he is able (considering his age, development, etc.). In order to see these two priceless happenings come to pass, parents must give their child two things. First, give him unconditional love, and give it appropriately. Second, give him loving discipline, that is, training in the most positive way possible. Training by all available means, in such a way that enhances a child's self-esteem and does not demean him or hurt his self-conception.” (Campbell, p. 89).

When Kids Do Wrong

No matter how well we do our jobs our children are going to misbehave. There are no perfect children! Although our next lesson discusses specific ways to handle behavior problems, look at a logical beginning

point in addressing the problem.

Most behavior problems arise because the child functions on an emotional/feeling level. He is hurt by something or someone and strikes back. Children will act immaturely because they are immature. As parents we need to try to understand the source of the hurt and as we correct the source the behavior problems should be corrected as well.

When a child’s behavior goes beyond the set limits, parents should ask “What does this child need?” Has the child received enough attention so he/she feels loved and accepted or is the child seeking that love and acceptance by irresponsible ways? Most behavior problems communicate a need that should be answered by the parents. Unfortunately parents often react first to the behavior problem and never investigates to discover what caused the child to misbehave in the first place. Thus, the child’s basic needs are never met.

When we find what the child needs we can logically begin to address the problems in a proper way. If a child is punished in a way that closes his/her spirit the parent is not accomplishing the objective of proper “discipline.” Misbehavior must be stopped, but the first step is not punishment!

In the discipline process one message from parent to child ought to be constant: “I truly love you and care about you. I want you to enjoy life and you can only do this by acting responsibly.” This love message will allow the child to be forgiven when he/she is truly sorry about some irresponsible actions and this message will undergird punishment (even spanking) if the child’s behavior demands such a response.

Factors Causing Resentment in Discipline

As we strive to train (discipline) our children we must be extremely careful that we do not cause resentment (Eph. 6:4). Listed below are some of the most common ways that parents cause resentment to arise in their children:

1. Anger. Whenever your child does something that is clearly “off limits” it is too easy to allow anger to get out of control. Parents are easily stirred to anger when they are depressed, physically ill, over-worked, fatigued, caught up in the petty concerns of life, or spiritually ill. When parents allow anger to go unchecked problems will arise. “I do believe that a parent’s worst enemy in raising his child is his uncontrolled feelings, especially anger.” (Campbell, p. 83). Children know when they are disciplined out of anger and they resent it. Parents would do well to humbly ask forgiveness from children if they loose their cool and discipline from anger.

2. Closed-minded.  When children are punished without even the justice of ‘explaining’ their side of the issue, spirits will close. A child easily senses whether mom or dad are being ‘fair’ and fairness in discipline is a tremendous responsibility for the parent to follow.

3. Parental lack of self-discipline. Glasser said: “Parents who have no self-discipline cannot successfully discipline a child.” If parents do not show the children good manners, proper respect, etc., the children will not see any necessity to perform well in these areas. If a parent is never seen reading a good book or using intelligence the children will be hard pressed to see any value in doing well in school. Children listen more to what parents do than to what parents say.

4. Double standards. A parent cannot successfully teach his/her child the wrongness of cursing,

swearing, and disrespectful language if the parent practices such. A parent can never impress the child with God’s morality if the parent does not abide by God’s morals. Children are wise beyond their tender years to parental double-standards. Resentment is quickly seen in the child who is disciplined for doing what mom and dad do.

5. Absence of communicated love and respect for the child. If the parent disciplines and the child is unsure of parental love, maybe the child even thinks the parent ‘hates’ the child, resentment will grow. But, if the child is secure in knowing that he/she is loved and the parent is deeply hurt by the misbehavior, the bond between parent and child will grow stronger.

6. Expectations beyond reach. If parents expect the child to perform beyond normal levels of development, resentment will occur as well as low self-esteem. As parents we need to remember that no child is ‘average,’ each is unique and will develop at different levels. Parents must learn on what level the child is and require acceptable expectations for age, emotions, and mental abilities.

7. Punishment when the child has already punished himself. If the child is truly sorry, he should not require severe punishment. Parents need to be flexible to allow for times when true repentance is seen. Remember: discipline is ‘teaching’ first and foremost.

8. Spanking when physical factors are pressing. Spanking over ‘childish’ things is discouraged (let the child act like a responsible child). Also, spankings should never be given when naps have been missed, pain is present, the child is ill, the child is on medication, etc., Also studies have discovered that most spankings take place around mealtimes because everyone is hungry, the blood sugar level is low, children are restless, impatient, and the senses are heightened by the food. Add to this the ever-present fact that mom wants everyone there so the food does not get cold!

Discipline: Handling Misbehavior

Dr. Dobson: “I am recommending a simple principle: when you are defiantly challenged, win decisively. When the child asks, ‘who’s in charge?’ tell him/her! When he mutters, ‘who loves me?’ take him in your arms and surround him with affection. Treat him with respect and dignity, and expect the same from him.” Dare to Discipline, page 36.

Proverbs 29: 15, 17: “If you want your child to be responsible you must learn to discipline him in two important areas. You must use the rod (spanking) and also reproof (scolding and words of instruction). These must be used wisely for if you neglect them the child will bring shame, heartache, and hurt to you…Parents who correct their child (even though the correcting process hurts in the present) will rejoice in years to come because their child will develop in a responsible way. And the responsible child, who has been disciplined, will bring rest, comfort, peace, and joy to the parents’ lives.”

Life would be nice if our children’s behavior problems could always be resolved with an outpouring of love and understanding, where all there was a need to do would be to hold them tightly in our arms for a few minutes. But, that is the ideal and not the real!

Realistically parents know that sometimes behavior demands a stern correction in addition to an outpouring of love. Children must learn, having been taught by parents, that life can be enjoyed only by living responsibly. Responsible people understand a simple principle – consequences follow every action. If we want to taste enjoyable consequences we must behave in the right way. If we behave in an irresponsible way we will reap painful consequences. Children must be taught this basic life principle by their parents! Thus, parents must discipline children in such a way the child learns this important (and scriptural) fact of life.

Discipline must be measured by the following factors:

1. Age of the child – older children will be antagonized if parents resort to disciplinary methods that are inappropriate (i.e. spanking a 14 year old).

2. Ability to perform tasks – the child must be allowed to perform up to his level. Do not expect him to perform as an adult would (a 7-year old child can’t clean their room at the same level of an adult).

3. Seriousness of the misbehavior – some behavior is obviously childish and the parent should not react too strongly. However some misbehavior is serious and unless it is met with immediate decisiveness by the parents it will give long term problems.

4. Consistent responses by parents – parents should be consistent in applying the limits to children. It is foolish to allow the child to do something one day and forbid or punish him for doing it the next day!

Five Key Elements

Dr. Dobson discusses five key elements that he says are paramount in the proper control of children.

1. Developing respect in children of parents. If the element of respect is not taught to the child, he will be seriously handicapped all his life. The child’s view of parental authority is the cornerstone of his outlook on all authority. Parental respect must be achieved in the first five years of the child’s life.

2. The best opportunity to communicate often occurs after punishment. After a genuine cry the child will want affection and will be open to hear things that at other times are lost.

3. Control without nagging. When parents give the child an order and there is always a number of repeated threats before “THIS is the LAST TIME I will tell you…” they are doing themselves and their child great harm.

4. Do not saturate the child with excessive materialism. Such causes a lack of appreciation and really cheats the child out of pure pleasures.

5. Avoid extremes in your control and love. Be consistent!

Method For Correction

What are parents to do when their authority is challenged? What are some positive ways parents can help develop responsibility in their children?

1. Natural and logical consequences. This principle should undergird all behavior corrections. Parents correct their child because he/she is not acting responsibility. This principle must be taught by the parent to the child. Parents must explain why the behavior is unacceptable. This method holds the child responsible and allows the child freedom to learn from negative consequences why he should not act a certain way. When faced with the same situation the next time the child should think ‘if I do this I will not profit, but if I do this I will…’ As parents discipline with this method the following points should be used:

1. be firm and kind

2. do not overprotect and take away the child’s responsibility

3. be consistent

4. encourage independence and self-reliance

5. avoid pity

6. talk less, act more

7. refuse to fight or give in if the child chooses to act irresponsibility and loses out

8. if a group of children are involved all should share responsibility

9. provide adequate choices

10. if the child chooses wrong, communicate that next time he will have another opportunity to choose the better way

2. Requests. The parent simply asks the child to do something or to behave in a proper way. This method communicates respect and confidence in the child. The parent and child are seen as a working team. It is one of the better ways to train a child.

3. Commands. When requests do not work the parent must be more forceful and directly command the child (picking up toys, coming home from a date, etc.). There is a danger here that parents will command a child to do something beyond ability, age, and understanding. Parents who effectively use requests save commands for really important situations. The point is to control a child’s behavior in the most gentle, most considerate, and most loving way possible.

Guidelines for spanking

1. Establish limits and tell the children well ahead of time the consequences for violating these. Make sure each child understands.

2. Assure the child that action will be immediate and no ‘second changes’ will come.

3. Spank because the child is responsible for violations of the limit. Make sure the child is aware of this. Do not spank for mistakes, accidents, or acts of immaturity.

4. Communicate parental grief and associate love.

5. Spank until the stubborn will is broken. It is useless to give a little ‘pat’ and the child fails to get any benefit from it. Such a response will only invite more of the same rebellion.

6. Never spank in anger.

7. Use an appropriate object for spanking. Some objects are not right and will hurt the child. If you are going to spank the child make sure they feel it. (I suggest getting a ping pong paddle and hit the fat of the seat, not the legs, arms, hands, etc.)

As you can tell, good child rearing requires balance. A child needs everything we have discussed: eye contact, physical contact, focused attention, discipline, requests, firmness, flexibility, commands, forgiveness, punishment, behavior modification, instruction, guidance, example, and active listening. But we must give our child these things in proper measure.” (Dr. Ross Campbell)

Family Stress

Excessive stress is epidemic in our society and families are not immune. Frazzled parents escape the wear-and-tear of the workplace only to come home to the stressful demands of the family. The innocence of childhood is often interrupted by the gut-wrenching sound of parents fighting. And the balance in the checkbook never seems to move very far from zero.

But while every family experiences some stress, the home can often be a sanctuary from stress. Studies have shown that many men and women believe that their family life counterbalances job stress.

Answer true (T) or false (F) to the following statements and discuss your responses with your group.

-          How well a family handles stress is largely determined by its emotional health

-          Any stressful situation can be met if the family has adequate financial resources

-          Whether or not a situation is really stressful depends a great deal on the definition a family gives it

-          Open grieving at the death of a family member should be encouraged as a way of alleviating stress from loss

-          If an individual is under excessive stress then his family will also be under excessive stress

-          Stress can actually serve to strengthen a family

STRESS TEST

Take a moment and determine your stress level right now, based on a chart developed by Dr. Richard Rahe. If you score more than 150 points on this scale in the last six months, you are probably under a lot of stress right now.

EVENT          STRESS POINTS

Death of spouse          100

Divorce                         73

Marital separation        65

Jail term                         63

Death of close family member 63

Personal injury or illness 53

Marriage                      50

Loss of job                  47

Marital reconciliation 45

Retirement                  45

Health problem of family member 44

Pregnancy                   40

Sexual difficulties       39

Gain of new family member 39

Business readjustment 39

Change in financial state 38

Death of a close friend 37

Change in line of work 36

Increased arguments with spouse 35

Large mortgage taken out 31

Foreclosure of mortgage or loan 30

Change in work responsibilities 29

Son or daughter leaving home 29

Trouble with in-laws 29

Major personal achievement 28

Spouse starting or stopping work 26

Change in living conditions 25

Revision of personal habits 24

Trouble with boss        23

Change in working hours 20

Change in residence    20

Change in school         20

Change in recreation   19

Change in church activities 19

Change in social activities 18

As we move to another vital area which helps determine the "temperature" of the home, it is necessary to stress vital factor which will be necessary every single day! No home environment will be right unless we are willing to take the time and make the effort to build a positive relationship with our families. The following four ingredients are essential for effective relationships:

MUTUAL RESPECT

Problems between human beings of any age are usually the result of a lack of mutual respect. Parents often complain that their children do not respect them. They seem not to realize that respect is earned; that it comes from showing respect to others.

Nagging, yelling, hitting, talking down, doing things for children that they can do themselves, following double standards --- all show  "lack of respect. (Ask yourself: do you require your children to knock before entering your bedroom, but feel free to barge into theirs?)

To establish mutual respect, we must be willing to begin by demonstrating respect for our children. A good way to start is to minimize your negative talk. Talk with your children when the atmosphere is friendly.

TAKING TIME

In the busy pace of modern life, it's often easy to overlook this important aspect for building a positive family relationship. An hour of positive relationship is worth more than several hours of conflict. We suggest that you take time for fun! Spend some time each day with each of your children, doing what you BOTH enjoy. The fun is spoiled if one person or the other feels forced to do something.

In two-parent families, the father and mother often divide the time spent alone with each child. Bedtime is favored by many as a pleasant time together. The important thing is that you and your children jointly plan the way you will spend your time. Each child will know that he or she will have his/her special time with you. If another child interferes, all you have to say is, "This is (John's) and my time together. You and I will be together at the time we agreed upon."

ENCOURAGEMENT

We must believe in our children if they are to believe in themselves. " To feel adequate, children need frequent encouragement. A cooperative relationship depends on how children feel about themselves and how they feel about you. Encouragement essentially involves minimizing the mistakes while recognizing their assets and strengths.

COMMUNICATING LOVE

There are many definitions of love, and there are many kinds of love. But we can usually agree that love is other-person-centered! Real love will be outgoing  and will be prompted to share and eager to believe

the best concerning the other person.

In a relationship resulting from genuine love, the "I's" become "we's." This is just another way of showing that it is impossible to be selfish and at the same time love with genuine love.  The child who is wanted, and loved, develops a capacity for wanting others, and for loving them. He develops a stable personality and a healthy outlook.

How often do we tell our children, by words and actions, that you love them? To feel secure each child must have at least one significant person to love and to be loved by.

Telling your children that you love them, especially when they are not anticipating such, and nonverbal signs (pats, kisses, hugs, tousling hair) are very important. We need to realize that love is also communicated by the way we relate to our children in general -- through our attitude of mutual respect, and through our allowing them to develop responsibility and independence.

A recent study of 500 delinquents indicated that 60% of the parents of these children had no love for each other. Love will not only heal heartaches between the parents themselves, but love will heal lives, save marriages, and even save nations.

Four Basic Types of Parenting

Several years ago an article in Family Life Today described four basic groups of parents. Two of these types tend to cause their children to resent authority...and the children tend to dislike themselves. They do poorly in school and are often sure they will never succeed.

The other two types of parents tend to produce positive-acting child- children. These children are more secure and tend to like themselves. They do better in school and are more responsible as adults.  As we examine quickly each of these groups I am sure that you will find yourself in all four at times! Look and evaluate your parenting in light of each.

Dominant Parent

This parent tends to produce the most negative qualities in children. They have high standards, are seldom warm or caring in support, and give very few explanations for their rigid rules. They tend to be unbending and demanding.

But because the children do not understand the reasons why activities are wrong, they may participate in them. Some serious conclusions have been observed arising from dominant

parenting practices:

-          high aggression in younger children is often evident

-          many, due to early aggression, lead a future life of violence

-          aggression is evident in all associations the child has

Am I that type of parent? Here are some typical statements and actions of dominant parents:

" Rules are rules. You're late-to bed with no supper!"

"I won't stand for your back talk. Just do what I say."

"You don't need reasons when I tell you to do something."

These are likely reactions by children who have dominant parents:

- They rank lowest in self-esteem. They have little ability to conform to rules.

- The rigid harshness of the parent breaks the spirit of the child and results in resistance, silence, or rebellion. We would do well to remember Ephesians 6:4: "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

Why did Paul address the fathers? Why didn't he address the mothers?

There are at least two reasons why Paul speaks to the fathers. One of them may be that fathers have a particular problem with the issue that Paul singles out: provoking children to wrath. But that is not the major factor. When Paul speaks to the fathers he is speaking to the mothers, because the father is responsible for what the mother does.

- The child usually does not want anything to do with the parent's rules or values; he rejects them.

- The child may be attracted to other children who rebel against parental and society's rules. They may move toward drugs or do illegal actions.

- The child may be loud in demanding his rights. In classes he may be disruptive to gain attention.

Neglectful Parent

Neglectful parents tend to lack both loving support and control over children. They show an uncaring or immature attitude, lashing out at the child when irritated. These tend to isolate by excessive use of baby-sitters and to indulge in their own selfish activities. Children are seen as a bother.

Parents can be "neglectful" even when they are physically at home! In this neglect children are robbed of the greatest factor a parent can give -- emotional involvement and attachment. When they are home, the neglectful parent usually does not listen or pay attention to their children!

What does this parent sound like?

"Work it out! Can't you see I'm busy."

"That's your problem! I got to go to work."

"So you think I'm stupid, huh? Well, that's your problem, buddy."

Here are some typical effects on children of neglectful parents:

-          The harshness and neglect tend to wound the child's spirit, causing rebellion.

-          Neglect teaches the child that he is not worth spending time with.

-          The child develops insecurity because parents are never predictable.

-          The child may not develop a healthy self-respect because he is not respected and has not learned self-control.

-          Broken promises break the child's spirit and lowers self-worth.

-          The child tends to do poorly in school because he has little of motivation.

PERMISSIVE PARENT

Permissive parents tend to be warm, supporting but are weak in establishing and enforcing rules and limits for their children. They usually give into the child's demands. Even when the child is in trouble they do not spank or discipline, which affects in a negative way permissive parents are great supporters -- giving, understanding, and very comforting. But this type of parenting is responsible for allowing a "brat" to develop!

The following are typical of permissive parents:

-          "Well, O.K., you can stay up late this time. I know how much you like this program."

-          I hate to see you under all this pressure from school. Why not rest tomorrow? I'll say you were sick."

These are possible reactions by children with permissive parents:

- A child senses that he is in the driver's seat and can play the parent accordingly.

- A child develops insecurity, like leaning against a wall that appears to be firm, but falls over.

- A child may have little self-esteem because he has not learned to control himself and master personal disciplines.

- A child learns that because standards are not firm, he can mani- pulate around all rules.

The LOVING AND FIRM PARENT

Loving and firm parents usually have well defined rules, limits, and standards. They take time to train the children to understand these limits. But they also give support and affection to the child (physically, Spending time with them, etc.).

They are flexible, willing to listen to all the facts if a limit has t been violated. The loving and firm parent is a healthy and balanced combination of the dominant and permissive parent. There is firmness, but affection.

Here are some of their typical statements:

-          "You're late again for dinner. How can we work this thing out?"

-          "When we both cool off, let's talk about what needs to be done."

-          "You say all the others will be there. I'd like some more information first."

OBEDIENCE AND DISCIPLINE

Obedience is an act which implies authority. It is submission to one, or to those, having the right to act and enforce. Discipline is training and correction designed to bring about obedience and respect for authority.

These two words suggest a principle of God's which is as old as the home itself. In the Garden of Eden the sin of man was followed by action on the part of God -- action which indeed was a form of discipline and designed to establish God's eternal truth and right.

The Bible reveals three distinct dispensations:

1. the Patriarchal dispensation which was headed by the Father

2. the Mosaical dispensation which looked to the law of Moses for its authority

3. the Christian dispensation in which we follow the teachings of Christ.

All of these ages, of course, came under God's authority. Because of the eternal nature of God, we find one common principle following through the entire history of man. This is the principle of faith and of obedience. Each dispensation has had laws or ordinances to be accepted and believed, and each dispensation required certain responses from man in relation to those laws.

Even though the law might have changed, the principle has always been the same. with all of God's love, grace, and mercy, He has consistently held himself forth as supreme and he requires that his people recognize Him.

In Deuteronomy 5:9"You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who  hate me."

No man can relate himself acceptably to God without recognizing His supremacy. Thus the principle of obedience and the necessity of discipline are obvious, if we are to be pleasing to God and ultimately to receive everlasting life.

Israel's darkest days were those when each did that which was right in his own eyes. Authority is necessary. The very existence of the earth itself is the result of the authority of God and it cannot function nor can its inhabitants achieve real success without recognition of that authority.

And that certainly is carried forth today, through our submission to the teachings and life of Jesus Christ, the examples of the first century Christians, and the love and devotion we offer to the church, the body of Christ.

Where does obedience originate? We need to realize that obedience is learned! A significant and clear passage is Hebrews 5:8: “Although he [Jesus] was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered."

Children try to escape from obedience. They develop a mind and a will of their own, which is as it should be, and without restraint or instruction, they will go their own way. There are many places where we can learn the principle of faith and obedience. We can learn it in the world today as we recognize those in responsible positions and relate ourselves properly to their jurisdiction. We can learn it in school as we recognize the position of the teacher and the administrator and cooperate with them in the educational program. Certain, we also learn it in our homes!

THE ‘GOOD’ PARENT                                                   THE ‘RESPONSIBLE’ PARENT

The Meanest Mother In The World

"I had the meanest mother in the world," writes a housewife, who is now raising a family of her own. "While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When other! had Cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my Supper was different than the other kids' also.

"But at least, I wasn't alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

"My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing. She insisted if we said we'd be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less - . not one hour and one minute. I am nearly ashamed to admit it, but she actually struck us. Not once, but each time we had a mind of our own and did as we pleased. That poor belt was used more on our seats than it was to hold up Daddy's pants. Can you imagine someone actually hitting a child just because he disobeyed? Now you can see how mean she really was.

"We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the heights of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

"The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn't sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept, my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she lay awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

"She always insisted upon Our telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us  - and it nearly did. "By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser, and our lives became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girl friend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there? I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is, if I'd had a boy friend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of twelve and thirteen, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of fifteen and sixteen. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

"Through the years, things didn't improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, 'sick,' like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe-ache, a hang nail or other serious ailments, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends' report cards had beautiful colors on them --- black for passing, red for failing.

"As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a dropout.

"My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us has ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we blame for the terrible way we turned out? You're right, our mean mother. Look at all the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million-and-one other things that our friends did. She forced us to grow up into God-fearing, educated, honest adults.

"Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean. "Because, you see, I thank God that He gave me the meanest mother in the world."

Troubles With Junior

Junior bit the meter man; Junior kicked the cook.  Junior's anti-social now... (according to the book).

Junior smashed the clock and lamp, Junior hacked the tree. 

(Destructive trends are treated In chapters two and three!).

Junior threw the milk at Mom. Junior screamed for more.

(Notes on self-assertiveness Are found in chapter four).

Junior tossed his shoes and socks Out into the rain.

(Negation, that, and normal... Disregard the same).

Junior set Dad's fire afire, Salted Grandpop's tea;  (That's to gain attention. See page 163).

Grandpop seized a rod,  Yanked Junior across his knee! (Grandpop hasn't read a book Since 1893).

Creating Stronger Family Unity

By Harold Hazelip

You may have heard about a new kind of marriage contract. Some couples are working out a prenuptial agreement, in the presence of a lawyer, which gives in detail the responsibilities of each spouse in the

marriage relationship. Who will take care of the laundry? Who will cook and wash dishes? How will they decide where to vacation and with whom?

Anyone who is married knows that this kind of list could be endless. Some people have decided that this contract will prevent misunderstandings and preserve the family.

We cannot always assume today that the traditional roles will be followed in the family. I understand the intent of people who want to spell everything out in black and white. But I believe there must be a better way to hold the family together. How do you create family unity in our complicated world?

Why Families are Pulled Apart

A major national newspaper carried an article some months ago entitled, “The U.S. is No Place to Raise a Family." The title may not surprise you.  There are many forces at work today that pull our families apart. We may almost wish for the "hard times" many of us grew up in because it seemed easier to hold a family together then. The family worked together in the family business or on the family farm. Or we lived in a small town and actually ate meals together regularly!

Of course, the family is not dead! One statistic in recent years seems remarkable to me. Despite the rising divorce rate and the breakup of many families, one thing has not changed: people still prefer to live in families. They may experiment with all of the alternatives to family life, but almost everyone eventually chooses to live in a family.

But what kind of family do we form? There is a world of difference between living in a family that is united by intimate bonds and going from one family relationship to another.

If you are to enjoy a united family, you will have to overcome some of the enemies of the family that are threatening us. Let me mention two or three of these.

"My" Pleasures First!

First, there is a great deal of evidence which suggests that many of us are committed more to our pleasure and satisfaction as individuals than to the unity of the family. The plot of the movie Kramer us. Kramer revolves around one of our most persistent problems today. A young wife and mother tells her husband of her desire to get away and experience her freedom. She feels enslaved in their relationship. She wants something more in life than to be at the disposal of her husband and child. She wants to explore her potential without being trapped by her commitments to others. A recent book called Habits of the Heart deals with our pursuit of individual goals today. The authors say that our insistence on the rights of the individual over all other values has damaged both families and communities.

All of us hear the cliches that promote personal freedom and satisfaction as the greatest value of all. A few years ago George and Nena O'Neill wrote Open Marriage. Its theme was that each partner must maintain his or her freedom from the oppresssion that comes from being "tied down." The free individual is the one who "keeps his options open" and never becomes trapped in a relationship. One problem of family life today is that many people think of the family as simply the place where we individuals come to have our needs met. Some people go from one relationship to another like consumers. If we only see the family as a source of our personal satisfaction, we will turn it into a place of endless quarreling. Like most consumers, we will be quick to demand and slow to sacrifice ourselves.

Our children absorb this propaganda long before they think of marriage. It comes in movies, in music, on T. V. If we believe we can always run away when another person limits our freedom, we will never be able to have an intimate relationship with another person.

There Isn't Enough Time!

A second enemy to the unity of the family today is time pressure. It is as if a great conspiracy were trying to prevent us from spending time together. Do you remember those family conferences on "Leave It to Beaver?" Ward never had to travel. His wife was always at home when the children returned from school. The children were not meeting a demanding schedule of piano practice, football workouts and other extracurricular activities. They spent time together. They talked things over! 

Why do we allow ourselves to be enslaved by an endless round of activities? With so many entries in the date book, we hardly sit down for a meal together. The hubbub of activities seems to begin when the children start to school. It becomes even worse when they are in high school.

We may be so busy with the combination of work and our hobbies that we scarcely have time to know what our children are doing. Perhaps all of us are busier today than people once were, but I suspect that we can only blame ourselves if we allow time pressures to pull our families apart. When we chose the second or the third job, we communicated something: we placed our standard of living above other needs of our family.

Whose Job is it to . . .?

I would like to mention one other factor that I erodes the unity of the family. The fact that people I would enter into detailed contracts spelling out the rights and duties of the partners suggests that our society's uncertainty about roles of men and women is affecting the family. For generations the great heroes of family life were often the women who took on burdensome roles while their husbands took them for granted. Today, I hope most of us have recognized the need for husbands and wives to share the burdens. No good marriage places all of the undesirable tasks on one individual.

But the harmony of the family is disturbed today because husbands and wives do not agree on how to share the roles that must be shared in every family. Quarreling and competition for the more desirable tasks around the home may be the result.

Steps Toward Family Unity

Putting our own desires before the needs of the family, allowing our busy schedules to keep us from spending time together, disagreement over who carries out the garbage and washes the dishes - how do you build family unity when so many forces in our society are trying to destroy it?

I heard recently of a marriage counselor who offered some very good advice to a young couple who were approaching their wedding day. In his premarital counseling session with them, he mentioned areas in which husband and wife must adjust to each other. He knew that no amount of reading or counseling could totally prepare them for their life together. And he knew how easy it is for people to give up when things are not going well. He tried to prepare them for their new relationship with this reminder: You have a lifetime to adjust to each other.

The Family's Needs First

How do you build unity in the family in a culture like ours? The first thing for us to do, if we really want family unity, is to adopt a new mind- set. Instead of the "looking out for number one" philosophy which puts my individual desires ahead of the needs of the family, Jesus taught another way of living. He knew that the quest for power dominates every political group.

He was not surprised that his own disciples should want to pattern their relationship after the politics of the day. But he said to them, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men ex- ercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave; even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many" (Matthew 20:25-28).

What impresses me most about Jesus' teaching is that he portrayed himself as the example for his followers. He did not grab for power. He was not ashamed to serve. In fact, he took a term - the word "servant"  which was demeaning to his own society, and gave it dignity. He came to serve!