"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series

#11 “The Needed Commitment to Oneness”

We are related to all mankind, but it is physically impossible to be intimately related to more than a few during a lifetime. Yet, it is the intimate relationships which really give life its meaning, depth and richness. (Note: alone in a crowd-- depersonalization).

Time prohibits our forming many really intimate relationships. Exclusiveness probably does, too. We need to be "one of a kind," "different from all others."

But God has so designed us that it is possible, during a lifetime, to establish and develop one relationship unlike all others. (I do not believe it is possible for two men or two women to develop a relationship which compares in quality to the relationship between husband and wife. Need does not answer to need at the same level.)

It is to this developing relationship that sex is designed to make its unique contribution. It cannot if it is not exclusive. The need it meets is too deep to be shared by more than one. To allow another to fill this need outside of marriage (either before the wedding or after the wedding) robs the marriage partner of a fulfilling experience meant by God for him/her alone. It thus robs the experience of the full contribution it was designed to make to that one, deep relationship it was designed to serve.

Other parts of the relationship are extremely important. (Sexual intercourse, in isolation, is self-destructive because it seeks to isolate one personality need from all others.) But sexual intercourse is the only unique part of the marriage relationship.

When other personality needs are met, sexual intercourse becomes the means of deepening, vitalizing and enriching every aspect of the relationship. It was designed by God for this purpose. It allows one relationship in life to be unique, unlike any other. And it is in this permanent, life-long relationship that the deepest human hungers (that can be met by other humans) are satisfied.

II. BIBLICAL BACKGROUND -- The Place of Sex in God's Design

1. Genesis 1:27, 28 "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them, and God said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it...' "

2. Genesis 2:18 "Then the Lord God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him."

3. Genesis 2:24 "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."

4. Hebrews 13:4 "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for God will judge the immoral and adulterous."

5. 1 Thessalonians 4:4,5 "that each one of you know how to take a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in passion and lust like heathen who do not know God;"

6. 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 "But because of the temptation to immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does. Do not refuse one another except perhaps by agreement for a season, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control."

III. POSITIVE PURPOSES OF SEX IN A HEALTHY MARRIAGE

1. Reproduction

2. Pleasure

3. Unity

4. Reaffirm one's identity

IV. SOURCES OF PROBLEMS

1. Ignorance

2. Guilt

3. Fear

4. Problems related to external factors: long working hours, heavy stress, lack of privacy, etc.

5. Personal hostility, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc.

V. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE SEXES

From Marriage For Moderns, by Henry A. Bowman, 1960, 1965, 1970. Adapted and used by permission.

Male                                                                            Female

VI. SOME GENERAL OBSERVATIONS

1. The goal of sex is intimacy!

2. Sexual intimacy cannot exist in isolation. It must grow in context of emotional intimacy!

3. The mind is the number one sex organ.

4. Sex is celebration! The key to sex is delightful companionship.

5. The sexual relationship should be the joyous celebration of another day of loving and sharing of life together which says to each other, "I love you ecstatically and enjoy immensely our shared life."

6. The sexual relationship is not strong enough, no matter how good, to support a bad relationship.

7. It is not technique that makes a person a good sex partner. The sex partner must feel valued and considered to be a person of worth.

8. In some marriages, sexual intercourse carries too much of the overall human need for closeness.

9. Sexual intercourse may even be the only form of sharing and closeness in some marriages.

10. The overloading of sex and lack of companionship tend to keep sex from finding a full meaning.

11. Marital intimacy is much broader than sex, although all facets are colored by the sexuality of the partners.

12. Sex takes place between persons, each with a network of values, feelings and conditionings, which influence everything he does, including sex.

13. Sexual relationships are essentially human relationships. Sexual "skills" are interpersonal "skills."

14. The total quality and value of the relationship affects the meaning and satisfaction derived from sexual intercourse.

15. To say by words and behavior, "You're terrific in bed," or "We'll make sweet music together," or "You made last night heavenly!" causes one to prize his or her sexuality, which makes it easier to be loving and giving next time.

16. Sex itself is a form of communication.

17. A man and woman cannot really love deeply unless they also honor each other.

18. Whatever both mates find relaxing, satisfying, and at least a little romantic will enhance their sex life.

19. Open communication about what gives each maximum pleasure is tremendously helpful in developing satisfying sexual relations.

20. Setting aside a time for regular "let's enjoy each other" nights or days is a practice that pays big dividends.

21. Super sex is the result of an atmosphere that has been carefully created.

22. You cannot respond sexually to a person you hate, to a person you fear, or to a person with whom you are angry.

VII. COMMUNICATING AFFECTION IN MARRIAGE

A. Verbal

1. "I love you." (often, daily)

2. "I need you."

3. Compliments to spouse.  "I can live a month on a good compliment." -Mark Twain

4. Compliments about spouse.

B. Non-Verbal (Verbal is Meaningless, Hollow, Insulting Without the Non-Verbal.)

1. Attitude and tone behind the words communicate.

2. Thoughtful of other's feelings in every word.

3. Listen adoringly. There is a way of listening that surpasses all compliments." - Joseph von Ligne.

4. Study your man's special needs. (One basic neurosis of men is to be compared unfavorably with others.) ,

   1. To be sexually accepted.

   2. To be respected.

   3. To be admired.

   4. To feel that he is needed.

   5. To be appreciated.

   6. To feel that he is really worthwhile. ,

5. Study your woman's special needs. (One basic neurosis of women is the fear of being "used" and "discarded.")

   1. Affection.

   2. Assurance that she is loved.

   3. Assurance that she is treasured. -- Love asks: "What does this person need?" and gives it! ..,

   4. Security (both emotional and physical)

   5. Her human dignity preserved. (Key: way husband feels about her).

C. Ways We Perceive Love.

1. Touch - kiss, embrace, sex

2. Sight - grooming, figure, cleanliness

3. Sound - music, voice, laughter

1. Smell- perfume, cleanliness

2. Taste - good meal

D. Ways We Express Love -,

1. Giving pleasure – thoughtfulness

2. Giving sense of security

3. Giving protection

4. Giving help

5. Forgiveness

6. Sacrifice

7. Joy

8. Togetherness

9. Gentleness

VIII. THE CLIMATE OF LOVE

1. Genuine encounter (focused attention)

2. The safety of trust (free to be open without fear)

3. The safety of non-judgment (see person as separate from acts)

4. The safety of being cherished (loved "warts and all")

5. The safety of "owning" feelings (allow to be "human")

6. The safety of empathy (understand viewpoint without judgment, agreement or disagreement)

7. The safety of unique growing (free to develop in own direction and at own pace)

IX. CONDITIONS MOST IMPORTANT FOR SEXUAL RESPONSIVENESS IN WOMEN

1. Good relationship between self and husband

2. Privacy and freedom from intrusion

3. Something "good" or "successful" occurred that day

4. Not tense or depressed

5. Not tired

6. Modulation of light (semi-darkness)

7. Not sick

8. Be clean or smell good

9. No time limit

X. SUGGESTIONS FOR HUSBANDS

1. Tell her you love her every day.

2. Never pass up an opportunity to give her sincere praise.

3. Always speak to others of her in a complimentary way.

4. Communicate but don't criticize.

5. Keep the spirit of courtship and romance alive in your marriage. Remember that a woman is aroused sexually by tenderness and thoughtfulness as well as by caressing and fondling.

6. Take plenty of time for sex. Too rapid sex often leaves the wife tense, angry and unsatisfied.

7. Discover the areas of her body which are particularly pleasurable.

8. Be careful of your cleanliness and personal hygiene.

9. Remember that your wife literally cannot respond as she and you would like if her feelings are hurt, if the bedroom is cluttered, or if the children are stirring in the next room.

10. Communicate to her that you need her.

NOTE: The wife's greatest love need is to feel that she is treasured, important, and special .

XI. SUGGESTIONS FOR WIVES

1. Keep personal attractiveness at its very best.

2. Be careful to be clean and to take care of personal hygiene.

3. Take extended time for lovemaking away from all distractions.

4. Read some good books.

5. Let go all inhibitions and participate fully, eagerly in the experience.

6. Welcome his advances.

7. Become actively involved in foreplay.

8. Let him know what pleases you.

9.Be creative in initiating lovemaking.

10. Reassure him of his manliness.

NOTE: The husband's greatest love need is to be sexual accepted.