"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series
#12 ”Reasons for Marital Failure”
The story is told of an artist who wanted to paint the most beautiful picture in the world. He asked the preacher, "What is the most beautiful thing in the world?" The preacher answered, "Faith. You can feel it in every church, find it in every true heart."
The artist asked a young bride the same question. "Love," she replied. It builds poverty into riches, sweetens your tears, and makes much of little without love there can be no beauty."
A weary soldier answered the same question, "Peace is the most beautiful thing in the world. War is the ugliest. Wherever you find peace, you find beauty."
"Faith, love and peace! How can I paint them?' mused the artist. Then, entering his own home, he saw FAITH in the eyes of his children and LOVE in the eyes of his wife. And there in his home was PEACE that love and faith had built. So he painted the picture of the most beautiful thing in the world, and when he had finished it he called it "HOME."
This little story presents a view of the home in its ideal state. But we readily admit that all too few homes have achieved this degree of success and happiness.
One in every 3.5 marriages end in divorce and every indication is that many more homes which do not end in divorce are nonetheless unhappy. The latter homes are not successful, but in order to avoid the stigma of divorce or for the sake of the children in that home the husband and wife agree to continue living together.
God intends that our homes be successful. He has given us a divine pattern to follow in the establishment of our homes and, if we will only follow that plan, our homes will be happy.
The fact that so many marriages are failing is testimony to the fact that many people are ignoring God's pattern for the home. We must be careful not to neglect the study of God's will in this regard or we shall inevitably reap the bitter consequences.
If we want a simple formula that aids in the success of our marriage, be a faithful child of God. If your home is not what it ought to be, don't point the finger at the spouse...look at yourself in the mirror and take care of what you see there. And never lose hope for your partner.
If all the members of your family are Christians, you enjoy one of the greatest of all earthly happinesses. Thank God for that fact and give yourselves, as a family, to his faithful service. Live sober and godly lives and worship him regularly in the public services of the church.
Why do marriages fail? The purpose of this study will be to point out some of the more frequent causes of marital failures. The reason for this particular lesson is twofold: (1) to help young people avoid making these mistakes when they form their homes, and (2) to make married couples examine their own homes for signs of these factors at work to destroy their happiness.
1. MARRIED FOR THE WRONG REASON
Many marriages fail because the man and woman got married for the wrong reason to begin with.
For example, some marry to escape from their own unpleasant home environment. A girl may have been dominated by a harsh father who refused to understand her. Chances are that she will marry the first person who comes along -- not because she loves that person, but because he represents her chance to escape from her father. This kind of (marriage is doomed almost from the start).
Some marry as a result of physical attraction alone. This is usually the reason behind marriages where the two people have known each other only for a short time. A boy may "fall madly in love" with a beautiful girl and persuade her to marry him.
More likely than not, they will both soon learn that infatuation (generally based on physical attraction) is enough to get them married but is not enough to keep them married!
Still others get married because of pregnancy. A "forced" marriage hardly ever works out satisfactory, unless it involves two repentant people who can truly "start over," with God's help. The vast majority of marriages forced by pregnancy end up in divorce rather rapidly.
Two wrongs don't make a right! Generally speaking it is wiser for the girl to bear the illegitimate baby, give the baby to a reputable adoptive agency (for the baby's sake), forget the child's father, repent of her sin and receive the forgiveness of sin.
2. ENTERING MARRIAGE UNREALISTICALLY
Closely related to marrying for the wrong reason is the matter of It entering marriage unrealistically. There are many false ideas about Ii marriage. A great many marriages are resting on the Hollywood illusion of life and love. Most people take for granted that love is the only thing that really counts in marriage. The mass media have given the impression that love is a mysterious encounter of two "souls destined for each other," and that love's arrival and departure are quite beyond human control.
Two people may therefore be convinced that "they were meant for each other" and marry in confidence that they "will live happily ever. They will soon learn that life is not effortless esctacy and that marriage is an adult relationship which involves responsibilities for
which they have not prepared themselves.
A successful marriage is in great measure the result of the preparation that has been made for it...physically, morally, intellectually, vocationally, emotionally, and spiritually. "Love feelings" are not enough to sustain a lifetime together! Others have entered marriage unrealistically by expecting too much of each other. The girl may have considered her future husband the perfect man. After marriage she will have found that her "god" has feet of clay!
On the other hand, the boy who thought he was marrying an angel on earth may soon be disillusioned by the fact that she can't keep an earthly house as clean as he would like or bake an earthly apple pie!
When two people get married, they ought to have a realistic perspective about the future. They should want and expect happiness, but understand that happiness comes about as the result of hard work. They should expect the best of each other, but should not be surprised to find that each is human and has faults.
On the other hand, some people have married with the expectation of failure. Or, to say the least, they do not enter the marriage with a of determination to make it work. They get married with the idea that this is an experiment in happiness i.e., if it works, fine; if it doesn't, we can always get a divorce and "try again."
Needless to say, these people aren't going to work very hard at solving their problems. Instead, they will just take the easy way out by getting a divorce.
3. IMMATURITY
A third reason why so many marriages fail is immaturity on the part of the husband and/or wife. The average age for marriage is dropping consistently. And, in this same connection, it is interesting to note that the divorce rate for those who marry in their teens is six times higher than for any other age group! The obvious explanation for this high incidence of failure in early marriage is immaturity.
People who get married too young just don't have enough information about life and are lacking in life experiences to the degree that they can't cope with the many complex problems which face husbands and
It would be unthinkable to put an immature and untrained person into the cockpit of a jet and expect him/her to take off and fly to a destination. Yet every day teenagers attempt to take over the controls of a marriage for which they have had no training.
Someone has suggested the following reasons why teenagers are too young to marry:
a. Marriage is serious business and there is much more to being serious than simply the wish or desire. Teenagers cannot have I enough knowledge about marriage to be serious about it.
b. Teenagers have not yet really learned to live with themselves.
c. Too often boys do not realize they are trying to find a shortcut to manhood by assuming outward signs, one of which is marriage.
d. Teenagers cannot promise to be steadfast, true and constant to another human being because they are not really in a position to keep that promise. Their growth, development, and education are all incomplete. They are still in the midst of the transformation which changes a child into a man or woman.
e. Persons mature physically before they mature in character. One if not fully himself until he is past 20 years of age.
f. Ten years later, the teenager will not be at all the same kind of person he or she is now. This means that today's teenager is not in a position to pick a mate for the adult he or she will soon become.
Marriage is an adult relationship and simply cannot be negotiated by children! Emotional growth and maturity are imperative.
Theodore Adams, in his book Making Marriage Succeed, suggests the following indications or tests for genuine emotional maturity:
a. You should be able to carry a reasonable load of emotional tension without blowing up. When you face annoyances and disappointments, frustrations, or difficulties, you must be able to face them without going to pieces, or getting sulky, or refusing to speak, or resorting to other silly, childish ways so often seen in the immature.
b. You should have outgrown childish and foolish fears and anxieties, e.g. fear of the dark or of being alone. Young people are sometimes afraid of being different or of standing up for their own convictions.
c. Learn to expect to be treated as a responsible partner in marriage. "Some men want to be mothered and waited on all their lives instead of taking a man's place in the home as well as in society. Too often a woman expects just a delightful and continuing courtship and wants to be babied and cared for all the time, instead of getting down to the stern realities of making a home and rearing a family." Each must be ready to carry his/her share of the load and develop the skills that will make this possible.
d. "You should be emotionally independent of your parents and able to stand on your own feet and make your own decisions in life." In- cluded in this is the ability to look plainly at your own faults and limitations and seek to correct them. The ability to bear the responsibility of fatherhood and motherhood is also involved. If you marry, you may have a baby within a year, whether you plan for it or not."
A pretty, fragile, clinging vine may be charming as a sweetheart, but in a wife you want a woman able to face the realities of life without tears and wailing and nervous breakdowns.
A stormy, tempestuous lover may make your heart beat faster, but in a husband you want a man mature enough to face difficulties without flying into a rage. Child wives and spoiled boys belong at home with mother; they are not grown up enough to face marriage.
Running home to mother/father is the immature response to a problem. And wise parents will not encourage this type of immature behavior by their children! Mother, if your child "runs home" to you, close the door. Make him see that he is now a member of a family that is independent of yours. Push your child completely out of the nest when he\she gets married...don't give in to the temptation to become a meddler in other people's affairs.
Help your children establish an independent home. Encourage them to stand on their own feet. You will be doing them a great favor!
There are also some who marry hoping to reform and remake the one they think they love. They are actually in love with what their mate can become rather than in love with the mate as he is.
Some of these persons tend to feel that, after marriage, the mate will automatically become a perfect person. But human beings are human beings after marriage, just as before. The chances are that a person will be the same after the vows are read as he was before!
The next reason for the failure of marriages is the lack of character in the people involved. Marriages fail because people fail! Character is the only real basis upon which a successful Christian marriage can be built. There is no substitute for it.
The person who has "pep" and "vivaciousness" is undoubtedly attractive to the opposite sex. He or she gives promise of fun and gaiety, and we all like that. But that will not be enough! Remember: this is the person with whom you're going to share all -- things in your life--the little things as well as the big. This is the
person who will be the mother/father of your children. Charm, wealth, popularity, or beauty will never be able to take the place of genuine character.
There is also no substitute for moral purity. Some claim that pre- marital sex relationships are helpful to good marriage adjustment. But the truth is, that far from being valuable [and sinful], they could easily prove to be very detrimental. They can often ruin what otherwise might develop into a happy successful marriage.
Dr. Wayne Anderson, in Design for Family Living, states positively that: "There is no definite research which substantiates the thinking that premarital intercourse will improve a couple's relationship. On the other hand, there are sound studies which suggest that the couple's relationship tends to deteriorate when intercourse is engaged in before marriage.
One study found that those who engaged in premarital intercourse had a higher percentage of divorces than those who did not." Of course, the real issue for the Christian is that such practices are a sin against God.
Some people have such terrible dispositions that they cannot be happy, whether married or not. Solomon said: Proverbs 21:9: "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."
All of us know how annoying a dripping faucet is -- especially when you are trying to get to sleep at night.
It may be that the wife does her work in the home well, but constantly complains about it...but women aren't the only ones who become contentious.
Some husbands come home tired from a hard day's work and act like a sore boil -- sensitive to the touch! He sits down with the paper drawn closely before his face and dares anyone to disturb him. If the wife or children cause any commotion at all, he screams for "peace and quiet" and turns into an even more unbearable grouch. In this case it is the wife who would be better off on the housetop!
Another trait of bad character which contributes to marital smashups is uncontrolled temper. Proverbs 22:24: "Do not make friends with a hot-tempered man, do not associate with one easily angered."
If friendship with such a person is dangerous, what about being married to such a person!
Another trait of bad character is selfishness. This attitude is completely foreign to the characteristics of love...Corinthians 13:5: "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
Philippians 2:4: "Each of you should look not only to your own r', interests, but also to the interests of others."
Another bad trait of character is pride:
- proud people are generally ungrateful because they think everybody owes them something
- could it be that pride keeps a husband from being grateful to his wife for the many things she does for him and the family?
- could pride cause the wife to be unappreciative of the husband's hard work in providing for her and the children?
Pride is especially dangerous when it causes persons to deny their mistakes. Many a bitter quarrel is the result of the guilty person trying to deny his\her fault and shift the blame to someone else. Pride keeps a people from saying "I was wrong. I am sorry." Many marriages would be saved if the couples would swallow their pride!
5. FINANCIAL PROBLEMS
Difficulty over money is a primary factor in the failure of homes. The problem can often be traced to a couple who refuses to live within their income. Before the marriage, perhaps they had more freedom to spend as they wanted.
There is the temptation to "try to keep up with the Joneses." This causes many couples to saddle upon themselves huge debts that will serve to create tensions and frictions for months and years to come. (This is such a vital area that we will spend 2-3 weeks discussing finances in the home soon).
A general procedure which could be followed in handling a family's finances is: (1) set aside a definite amount of your income to be given to the Lord (10% is a good starting point); (2) put aside a regular percentage as savings, and (3) spend the remainder as wisely as possible, giving attention to essential expenses.
The reason why this is such a good plan for handling the family's money is that it puts the Lord first. And people who put the Lord .;, \first when their money is involved are not likely to forget Him in the other relationships of life.
6. FRAGMENTATION OF FAMILY LIVING
Another factor is what has been called "the fragmentation of family living." Only a few generations ago, when families lived in more rural areas, husband and wife and children were forced by natural circum- stances to become intimately involved in each other's life patterns.
They worked together doing field work or farm chores and spent their evenings together around a big fireplace talking about mutual in-interests and enjoying one another's company.
There is a danger that, in making lists of characteristics to consider in choosing a mate, we will leave the impression that one could not marry until he/she finds the perfect person. We must be realistic and accept the fact that no one is perfect.
Benjamin Tillett once said: "God help the man/woman who won't marry until he/she finds a perfect woman/man, and God help him/her still more if he finds her/him."
But today's urbanized and tightly organized society has taken this sense of intimacy away from family members. Father works in his office, mother works around the house and the children spend their day in school.
When evening comes, they again go their own ways...the home is no longer a solidly-knit group, but has broken up into individuals who all go their separate ways.
This kind of living has caused someone to define the home as "the place you go when nothing else is open." This is a tragic attitude which has been occasioned by the reality of the way Americans live!
7. LEAVING GOD OUT OF ONE’S HOME
The question which should be of utmost importance is simply this: is he or she a faithful Christian? Your partner's spiritual life is more important than any of the physical and mental characteristics. In fact, since marriage is essentially a spiritual relationship, a common religious faith is the surest foundation upon which to establish a successful marriage.
Religion can be a source of strength in marriage, but it can also become a storm center of conflict that separates instead of unifying.
Unless both husband and wife are faithful Christians, the chances for complete success in that marriage are diminished. The couple may never stand in a divorce court, but their marriage will be incomplete be- cause they cannot share this most important area of life with each other...the area which leads to eternity.
The Bible makes it quite clear that marriage between a Christian and a non-Christian is not sinful. Marriage is not a church ordinance and cannot be regulated by the decrees of the church. Whom one marries is an individual matter and not implicat law.
But this is a far cry from saying that marriages between Christians and non-Christians are best, or even desirable. Statistics show beyond a shadow of doubt that religiously mixed marriages have considerably less chance of success than those where husband and wife are united in faith.
What about when the husband refuses to attend services? How will that affect his sons? Will there be a distaste for the church because "she's gone for three hours every Sunday."
* SOME QUOTABLE QUOTES ~ ILLUSTRATIONS ON MARRIAGE
"The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed...and half closed thereafter." (Love is For a Lifetime, by James Dobson)
"A bad marriage can depress the body's immune system. Unhappily married women have subnormal levels of white blood cells (which destroy infections) and increased herpes virus activity. Other immune System depressants: Stress and loneliness." (Janet Kiecolt-Glaser)
"You probably heard about the newlyweds. On their honeymoon, the groom took his bride by the hand and said, "Now that we're married, dear, I hope you won't mind if I mention a few little defects that I've noticed about you." "Not at all," the bride replied with a deceptive sweetness. "It was those little defects that kept me from getting a better husband."
"An individual is only half a person and spends his life looking for his missing half." (Plato: On Marriage)
"The wedding ring is that small piece of jewelry placed on the finger that cuts off your circulation."
"Leadership magazine carried a short item sent in by Cathern Paxton that illustrates the importance of letting God be uppermost in the marital relationship. She wrote, "A braid appears to contain only two strands of hair. But it is impossible to create a braid with only two strands. If the two could be put together at all, they would quickly unravel. Herein lies the mystery: What looks like two strands requires a third. The third strand, though not immediately evident, keeps the strand tightly woven." Then Paxton concluded, "In a Christian marriage, God's presence, like the third strand in a braid, holds husband and wife together."