"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series
#16 ”The Empty Nest and Growing Old in the Home”
Life changes can generally either be seen as losses or as gains. For instance, when a daughter gets married the saying is, "You haven't lost a daughter; you've gained a son!" The empty nest is certainly that way. Some people might get down about what is now behind them. But how much better it is to see what we have gained! And at the center of what we have gained is the new freedom we have to pursue our own interests. One woman from Ohio, writing to the researchers who wrote Lifetrends: The Future of Baby Boomers and Other Aging Americans, noted that she and her husband "had never had it so good."
She went on to say, 'WE can make plans to fit OUR schedules, WE can plan meals (or eat out) as WE please, WE can impulsively stop on the way home from work, WE can go away for the weekend ... It's wonderful."
What are we discussing? The empty nest time in our life.
It's a time many look forward to with eager anticipation. It's a time many approach with fear and regret. It's the time that last child has left the home, and a couple or single parent is left to themselves. It's the time of the "empty nest." How do we go about making the most of this life situation?
As we seek for guidance, we really get little help from looking back to how people have approached this in the past, largely because the "empty nest" has not been part of life for a long time historically. The research-ers who wrote Lifetrends: The Future of Baby Boomers and Other Aging Americans, point out, "the exist-ence of the 'empty nest' stage of family life is more recent than many people realize. In 1900, a 22-year-old woman who married would, on the average, become a widow at age 60 and die herself at age 64. Since it's likely that she would have had many children throughout her reproductive years, there is a good chance that her last child would still have been living at home at the time of her death.'"
Going back even further to biblical times, most parents kept their adult male children living with them, along with their' daughters-in-law and their grandchildren. That certainly didn't make for an "empty nest"! While history may not be much help, social research has highlighted some of the important issues of this time of life, and these are issues about which Scripture does have much to say.
There is no doubt about it-as much as we may love our children, they do tie us down. Our lives center around them from that first day we bring them home as an infant and they keep us up all night, through those days we are going 10 different directions trying to attend all their ballgames and recitals, to those times we stay up all night worrying because they are out late with that person we just don't trust. The empty nest brings the potential of a new freedom from those constraints, and for looking to our own interests.
While this freedom can be a relief for many of us, it can also mean some adjustments. Christian counselor and radio talk-show host Jim Smoke has written, "Until now, it probably seemed there was a constant need, and it was always someone else's. Your children seemed to be continually marching toward you with outstretched arms and open hands, saying, 'I need! I need!' Now, for the most part, they're adults able to meet their own needs, and perhaps for the first time ... you feel free to focus on yourself and your own needs. But it takes some retraining of the brain to say out loud for the first time 'I need!' Most of us do not do well at this." Will we be able to make the adaptations needed to get maximum benefit from this new freedom?
When our last child leaves, it is almost certain that our family role will change. But in what way that role will change is subject to many variations. The best-case scenario is that we will change from a parent-child relationship with our children to more of a relationship of intimacy between adults. Certainly even in this there will be remnants of the old parent-child relationship around, but the basic relationship will gain a new quality.
Alice Rossi, a fellow at the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation's Research Network on Successful Midlife Development, notes that "intimacy with children, which bottoms out from ages fifteen to nineteen, climbs steeply through the [children's] twenties and thirties." She goes on to add, "One of the things to look forward to in midlife is the continuity and shared interests that will come as your children in turn become parents."
When the last child moves out of the house, we don't lose our family, but rather we take on a new family role. That role can involve some or all of the following:
Grandparenting - However, while this new sense of intimacy often develops, there are also some roles which we find ourselves in that require new skills, and sometimes more work than we thought we had bargained for. These include grandparenting, caring for elderly parents, and helping with adult children in crisis. Grandparenting can involve anything from occasionally helping with grandchildren, a task most grandparents relish, to taking on a major parenting role for our grandchildren because our adult children cannot or will not perform it.
Caring for our own elderly parents can be emotionally, and sometimes financially, draining. It becomes particularly difficult when parents become senile or unable to care for their own personal bodily needs. Similarly, helping our adult children in crisis can mean anything from an occasional loan to taking our adult children back into the home for a period of time. In all of these cases need to be prepared to think through just how active we want to be the helping process.
A popular bumper sticker says, "If I had known how much fun grandchildren are, I would have had them first!" Certainly grandchildren can be fun. As a grandparent, you can usually enjoy your grandchildren without having to take the same level of responsibility and burden you did with your children. Usually that is the case-not always. Sometimes today, grandparents are forced into a more active role, either because parents are irresponsible, or because parents run into especially difficult circumstances, like health problems.
Caring for elderly parents-Sometimes no sooner do we finish caring for our children than our parents become less able to care for themselves, and we must take a role in their care. Often this task falls to the woman of the household. Such care can mean anything from helping with cleaning and the more physically exhausting tasks of running a home, to having power of attorney, to constant nursing care of an invalid. Taking a parent or in-law into the home often brings a great deal of stress. In fact, a University of Michigan School of Nursing study showed that those caring for the aged suffered from depression three times as often as the older people they cared for."
Jesus' New Family Role.
Jesus never married, and so he never had children and experienced "the empty nest." But he did come to a point in his life where he took on a new family role, and he did have to deal with a mother who was not too sure she wanted him to leave the safety of "the family nest."
Most biblical scholars believe that Jesus' earthly father died shortly after Jesus was 12 years old, for that is the last time we hear of his father. Therefore, as the eldest son, he probably had to take on the role of the "man of the house" for many years. However, when he was 30 he left the home to begin his three-year ministry of teaching and healing.
In that ministry he met much stress, opposition and danger. It is probably in reaction to that stress, opposition and danger that his mother came to "rescue" him in the following little story.
“Then Jesus entered a house, and again a crowd gathered, so that he and his disciples were not even able to eat. 21 When his family heard about this, they went to take charge of him, for they said, "He is out of his mind"...
31Then Jesus' mother and brothers arrived. Standing outside, they sent someone in to call him. 32A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, "Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you."
33"Who are my mother and brothers?" he asked. 3'Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, "Here are my mother and my brothers! 35Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother." -- Mark 3:20-21,31-35
When Jesus' mother and brothers came to "rescue" him, what do you think was Jesus' predominant feeling?
___ embarrassed over her doing this in front of his followers
___ angry that she was treating him like a kid
___angry that she didn't understand
___ thankful she cared
___ nostalgic-maybe he wanted to go back home!
Serving as a refuge to adult children in stress- Adult children run into many kinds of stress-divorce and financial hardship in an increasingly tight economy are the two most common. In such times, we learn that our adult children are not quite as ready to be on their own as they, and we, once thought. Adult children may ask us for loans, or even for the chance to move back into our home "just for a while-until things get better." In 1980, according to the United States census, almost five hundred thou- sand divorced men and women in their 20s and three hundred thousand married couples lived with their parents. What do we do if we are asked to fill such a role?
Besides being a time of changing family roles, the time of the empty nest is also a time of flux in relation to one's sense of purpose. For most men, as well as more and more women, sense of purpose is closely tied to paid work. This creates problems for two reasons. One is that most men face retirement at 65 to 70. Where does sense of purpose come from then? In addition, many men in their 50s lose the job that had been their profession for the earlier part of their life.
The Bureau of labor Statistics shows that from October 1991 to October 1992 the unemployment rate in those aged 55 and older was seven times that of those aged 16-54. The middle management group, which consists primarily of people in their 50s, has been particularly hard hit.1 Again, losing what has been our profession generally calls our sense of life purpose into question.
Most women, on the other hand, have traditionally gotten their sense of purpose from their role as mother. When children leave home, what happens to that sense of purpose?
Counselor Jim Smoke finds that women react to this change by taking on one of four identities:
(1) Nurturers, where their identities are now tied to the vocation of their husband, the careers of their older children, and the care and nurturing of their grandchildren;
(2) Discoverers, who rework the structure of their lives by pursuing a career or vocation on a full-time basis;
(3) Achievers, who really don't need to change as much because they have worked diligently at a career for most of their lives while also raising a family;
(4) Displaced homemakers, who have been forced into the job market due to a divorce or the illness or death of a husband. Smoke finds that "nurturers" seem to comprise the smallest portion of women in their 50s, while the largest group seems to be the "discoverers."
For those in this latter category, Cynthia Coad has written a handbook to help women with this transition called, Your Full Future: After the Empty Nest.
She writes in that book, "The first one-half of the female's life has been occupied in serving others. It was a path she chose, and one she accomplished well, In many cases this meant that her own personal career goals were not fully developed. A time comes, however, when the woman looks for her full future in the form of a career. The second one-half of her life offers her that opportunity." And so, whether one is male or female, the time of the empty nest can be a time when we look to a new life purpose.
Growing and changing are the central indications that something is living, and so if our marriage is truly alive it must change and grow. Especially is this true when the last child leaves the home. When children are in the home much activity centers around them. They provide a common focus for parents who share in the task of raising them. But when they are gone, what will then be the common focus that the couple has to hold them together?
Many couples at this stage discover that the children were the only thing they had in common. This dis-covery generally means a time of strain for the marriage, unless they explore and discover some common interests.
What is more, since the empty nest period has other big life changes, like a woman's new professional explorations, or a man's retirement, unless a couple learns to adapt to those changes, the marital strain will be even more severe. Those marriages which survive and even thrive in this period are those where both persons are willing to change and to not hold on to the past relationship, but look forward to a new, different and exciting one.
Counselor Jim Smoke notes that for many "empty nest" couples, their life had previously so centered around their children that when those children leave they wonder what they have in common with each other.
Marriage after the children leave can either be a time to discover a new intimacy, or it can be a time when a couple is forced to face the problems that they have with each other as a couple.
Counselors William H. Bergquist, Elinor Miller Greenberg, and G. Alan Laum write, 'When couples fail to develop a new intimacy in these years, the problem is usually they no longer have any common interests ... They discover new time together in their fifties but have nothing to share in that time."
Couples who develop new intimacy during this time, on the other hand, are those who, if they do not already have things they enjoy doing together, have gone out intentionally to find such activities. Maybe they both take up golf for the first time, or maybe they get involved in a community service project together.
In any case, marriage after the empty nest will probably not be what it was before, and the couple who wants the change to be an improvement would be well-advised to plan for it deliberately.
A New Spirituality
When we are young we have a tendency to be preoccupied with the material aspects of life. But as we mature we see more and more that the physical is not all there is to life. While we still feel there is much of life ahead, we realize that we are aging, and we start to think more of where life is headed, and what is beyond it. All of this leads us to consider our spiritual nature more and more. That means we need to work more on our connections-principally our connection with our Creator and God, but also our connections with the rest of life in God's Creation. Empty nesters often have experienced enough of life to see that such pursuits do not ultimately satisfy, and they are looking for more.
Counselor Jim Smoke writes, "I listen to more and more fifty-something men talk about their desire to deepen their relationship with God and walk closer to Him. Some are reconnecting after years of being disconnected. Others are seeking connection for the first time freedom from parental responsibilities can provide the opportunity for spiritual enrichment for those who want to take advantage of it.
At each stage of life a person has to make the decision, do I spend my time looking back at what I have lost, or do I look ahead to the new future that is in store for me? Certainly, we do lose something when our child-ren go off on their own. We lose a role we have lived with for 20 or 30 years, and we put behind us a time when we nurtured young lives and had them constantly around to provide companionship. We have also lost our youth, and some mourn that as well.
We are taught in our culture to idealize youth and fear aging as nothing more than a path toward death. But for those with their eyes open to the possibilities, our 40s, 50s and 60s provide new opportunities for self-exploration. We have often gained a wisdom and a self-confidence that we longed for in our younger years, and these can help us toward a life that is more fulfilling.
The time of the empty nest, then, will be what we make it. For those of us who look only at what we have lost, it will be a hard time. But for those of us who look at the new things this period of life brings to us, it will be a time of exciting opportunity.
A friend told me recently that he had looked forward to having an empty nest. He had pictured resuming the carefree life that he and his wife had experienced 25 years ago and imagined all the advantages of the empty nest. There would be the freedom to come and go at will and the release from worrying when the children were out late at night.
He looked forward to vacations and buying some of the things they had sacrificed while the children were growing up and going to college. The empty-nest period would be like the early-married years...except this time there was more money to spend! My friend later found, as most of us do, that it is not all that simple. He had to come to terms with this change in his life. He was scarcely home from his youngest daughter's wedding before he recognized how silent the house had become. The music no longer vibrated from the children's rooms. The house was no longer a meeting ground for teenage guests. Then there were all the memories that filled the house. There was once so much to do, and there now seemed so little. The crowded, busy years seemed difficult at the time, but now he recognized the value of being needed.
Adjustments to an empty nest may be as difficult as any the parents have ever made -- as critical as the day they first began their marriage. For some, it is a real crisis in their lives. It may be difficult to grasp emotionally the meaning of the biblical statement that "a man leaves his father and his mother" (Gen. 2:24).
We grasp it intellectually when we leave our children at college or attend their weddings. But it may be painful, after all these years, to realize that they will never come home again -- except as guests. After his youngest daughter's wedding, one father became very busy in building an addition to his house. When he was asked why he would add to a house now emptied of children, he replied that it was for his daughter and her husband. He could only imagine a life that went on in continuity with the last 25 years of his own.
In another family, the new grandparents began remodeling the day after their daughter-in-law gave birth to a baby boy. They turned their den into a children's playroom complete with bunk beds, assuming that there would be another grandchild soon. Even when their son became a father, they could not accept his absence. They could not face a future without his constant presence in their lives.
This is a poignant period of adjustment because we miss the presence of each son or daughter who made so many demands on our time. We miss the conversation, the mealtimes, the things we once did with them as a family unit. Sometimes the absence of our children rob us of our own identity.
Mel Roman and Patricia Taley wrote in The Indelible Family: "When all of the children leave home and the nest is empty, some parents have no idea who they are or what to do with themselves. Their identity, both as individuals and as family members, has been so tied up in mothering and fathering that they are lost. They feel worthless and useless. They feel robbed of their roles and of their children. Although they mourn the loss of their children, they also mourn the loss of themselves. The children will be all right; they have everything to look forward to. The parents are not sure that they have 'anything to look forward to."
This empty sadness often hits one parent more painfully than the other. Sometimes it hurts the wife most, especially if the husband's life is still wrapped up with his job. He can turn his energies else- where, but she has to face this meaninglessness alone. Sometimes it is the other way around, and the husband may feel he has lost his best companion when a child leaves home.
Besides missing the children, there is also the crisis of becoming reacquainted with the one who was there with you before the children ever came onto the scene. It may sound absurd to talk about become reacquainted with your own spouse, who has been at your side through all the childhood illnesses, the excitement of Little League heroics, graduations, and recitals. Although your mate has shared your worries and your joys, it may be difficult to take up just where you left off 30 years ago!
Gerald Klerman of the Harvard Medical School has said that the departure of grown children often necess-itates major changes in the marriage relationship. The children have been part of your communication for years, yet you may have drifted into your own hobbies and interests along the way.
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell have written in The Intimate Marriage that some couples develop parallel lives, touching at fewer and fewer points. Now they face each other across the breakfast table or spend an evening alone and realize that their relationship has been lacking in communication and intimacy.
DANGER AND OPPORTUNITY
There are always two sides to a crisis. On one hand a crisis spells danger. Since the marriage has come to a turning point, everything could end in disaster. But the other side is that a crisis is an opportunity to meet the
challenge and become stronger! If the marriage is healthy, this can be a great time of rediscovering the delights and freedom that many people look forward to for years.
Imagine how much a couple in their middle years have invested in their marriage. Consider the common memories they share, the mutual experiences that have molded them into one being.
That shared history, along with a commitment to the future, can provide the resources for deepening the relationship. They have experienced too much together to allow this challenge to destroy their marriage.
COPING WITH THE EMPTY NEST
Theodore Bovet, a Swiss marriage counselor, has observed, "Marriage is subject to the same law of all living beings; those who are unable to ripen grow old."
How do the successful marriages survive the absence of children?
1. Both the husband and wife must be sensitive to the stresses of this particular time in their lives.
Because these pressures often hit individuals in different ways, you will not always understand precisely what your mate is going through. The grief may be more long-lived for one spouse than the other.
One of the great secrets to meeting the challenge is to have developed an openness that allows each mate to know how to express their feelings.
2. Recognize the important of renewing the romance between the spouses during these years.
The soft glow of love can push back the darkness and dissolve the shadows. It can replace the fear of aging with the excitement of a new day. But be certain that while the children were growing up that you have taken time to be together! Remember: you and that mate were first together and you will be last together don't let 20-35 years go by without your having been together! Date during the children's years,
too!
3. Do the things you have put off for a long time.
Howard and Charlotte Clinebell have spoken of all the energy that went into parenting, now suddenly released for other activities. Most of the energy is available for new hobbies, joint projects, and community and church service, much of which can be done as a couple. Do you realize the amount of church visiting, etc. that needs to be done every week? You could help minister in this way!
Take time to relate these verses to this discussion
Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.
Deuteronomy 8:2
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 18-19
Even youths grow tired and weary; and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:30-31
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times having all that you need, you will abound to every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Matthew 7:7
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10
GROWING OLD TOGETHER IN THE HOME
Man is not constructed to live always here on earth. When one grows older and nears the end of natural life, he is said to be growing old. It is strange to some that while most people want to live a long time, many are loathe to accept the fact that to live longer means to grow older.
There is something majestic about the way the Bible unfolds the life of Abraham and Sarah. We do not know their age when they married, but from the time Abraham received the call to forsake Ur of the Chaldees and head to Canaan, we witness the budding and full flowering of their spiritual lives!
Sarah's life is portrayed for a little less than 70 years, but we have Abraham's life unfolded before us spanning 105 years! During these years we see them growing old. They grew old qracefully! Their love for God and each other deepened! Their faith continued to mature and ripen!
The Bible indicates that both died in the embrace of fervent faith: Hebrews 11:13: "All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth."
Some people get old. Others grow old. They continue to grow in love, kindness, faith, dedication, and hope. Some become sour and senile near the end of their earthly existence. Others become more saintly. Their sunset years are among the most beautiful of their long lives. In the first part of this lesson, we will note some ways in which couples may grow old gracefully in the home, the service of the Lord, and as benefactors to humanity.
Paul closes his great chapter in 1 Cor. 13 with one of the most beautiful of all tributes to three essential graces of the human soul.
l Corinthians-13:13: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
These soul-adorning graces need to abide in the church of our Lord, and they need to be in the lives of each individual as he/she grows - older in this life. John says faith is that which produces a victorious overcoming of the world in l John 5:4-5: "...for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. {5} Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus 1S the Son of God."
Faith can overcome all obstacles that appear in the marital pathway. It is a richly rewarding thought as a couple grows old that the marriage vows have been kept inviolate...growing old in faith is an essential part of growing old gracefully.
GROWING OLD IN HOPE
The second of these abiding graces is hope. Many majestic utterances are given within the Scriptures about this wonderful virtue.
- Salvation is by hope Romans 8:24: "For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?")
- Hope is connected with real love (.1. Corinthians 13:7: "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.")
- Hope reaches into the heavenly world for its power of support (Hebrews 6:19-20: "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, {20} where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek.")
Love makes us kin to deity in both attitudes and actions, in both motives and mission, for the Bible tells us God is love: 1 John 4:8,16: "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God so loved...And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.")
The young man and woman who stand at the marriage altar to pledge undying affection and loving loyalty may think they care for each other at that happy moment just as deeply as they will or ever can. But if they are the right kind of people and walk with God and with each other, they will love each other far more deeply when they face the sunset years of life together than during the sunrise of their marriage. By then their love and loyalty will have been tried and tested on a hundred proving grounds!
Love will keep them from becoming soured on their love for people. Love will block the invasion of the frequent intruder, a senile spirit, into advanced age. Love will not close their eyes to the talents of younger successors. Love will tolerate no envy toward those who are younger in years and more active in work.
Patience is steadfastness. It is endurance. It is the ability to bear up under stress and strain. Patience is keeping on without a cowardly capitulation to weak surrender and impotent defeatism. Patience does not produce faith but is a faith of the faith that has been tried and tested.
I James 1:2-3: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, {3} because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."
Patience is often found in young people...they want everything yesterday and often do not want to wait or offer the work necessary. But patience is sometimes lacking in advanced age, also. Listen to the . words of Paul in Titus 2:2: "Teach the older men to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance [patience]."
Growing old gracefully means developing a disposition of patience. As couples grow old there should be a greater exhibition of patience toward each other. It is heartwarming to visit an elderly couple and see them holding hands and being patient and kind to each other!
Youth is known for its enthusiasm, energy, idealism and dreams. But wisdom comes with age. James 1:5 says it is a gift of God and comes in answer to prayer. "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
Job 12:12: "Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life f' bring understanding?"
Couples who have made a success out of their own marriages should be able to give advice to those who are contemplating matrimony. Young couples who are experiencing serious difficulties in the early years of their marriage would do well to seek help from some wise, godly couple in the church.
The Bible classifies contentment as a good virtue. Hebrews 13:5-6: "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." {6} So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?"
Paul linked godliness with contentment and said such a holy combination:
1 Timothy 6:6-8: "But godliness with contentment is great gain. {7} For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. {8} But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that."
Philippians 4:11-12: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. {12} I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have ('learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Contentment is an imperative for those who wish to grow old gracefully. Aged people who never have mastered this spirit will make
themselves and everyone around them miserable.
GROWING OLD IN THE LORD
The Old Testament is filled with "epitaphs" of the life of faithful followers of God:
Genesis 25:8: "Then Abraham breathed his last and died at a good old age, an old man and full of years: and he was gathered to his people."
Genesis 35:29: "Then he breathed his last and died and was gathered to his people, old and full of years. And his sons Esau and Jacob buried him."
l Chronicles 29:28: "He died at a good old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth and honor. His son Solomon succeeded him as king." These three great men of old were not great men from the world's perspective, but they were faithful men of God. They grew old in the Lord's service but they were also "old" in knowledge, wisdom, in service to God and man, and in influencing others for the Lord's cause."
When you bring your first child home from the hospital, your life has changed forever. Most of us do not regret this change, but we do have to make some adjustments in our lifestyles. No longer are you likely to be alone with your spouse for an extended period of time. All of the things you have enjoyed doing together now have to take a third party into consideration.
Those quick decisions to eat out and go to the movies, the planned vacation, the crowded schedules--all of these must be evaluated in terms of the needs of this third party. If you are accustomed to the undivided attention of your mate, you may feel that you have lost it forever! It seems as though your marriage will never be the same again.
We will all be going through another period of transition. We have lived for half of our lives with children in the home. From the time the oldest child is born until the last child leaves, most people spend 20-to-30 years--long enough to get used to the constant presence and sounds of the children. It requires as much adjustment to see the young people leave as it does for them to enter the household. They call it the empty-nest syndrome. It is not as easy as some people think!