"Christ In The Home: God’s Plan For His Family” Series

#6 How Well Do We Communicate?

Marks of God’s Communication to Man:

How did God stop the work on the Tower of Babel?

(Genesis 11:1-9)  "Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. {2} As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there. {3} They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. {4} Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth." {5} But the LORD came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. {6} The LORD said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. {7} Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other." {8} So the LORD scattered them from there over all the earth, and they stopped building the city. {9} That is why it was called Babel --because there the LORD confused the language of the whole world. From there the LORD scattered them over the face of the whole earth."

My people would not listen to me

(Psalms 81)  "Sing for joy to God our strength; shout aloud to the God of Jacob! {2} Begin the music, strike the tambourine, play the melodious harp and lyre. {3} Sound the ram's horn at the New Moon, and when the moon is full, on the day of our Feast; {4} this is a decree for Israel, an ordinance of the God of Jacob. {5} He established it as a statute for Joseph when he went out against Egypt, where we heard a language we did not understand. {6} He says, "I removed the burden from their shoulders; their hands were set free from the basket. {7} In your distress you called and I rescued you, I answered you out of a thundercloud; I tested you at the waters of Meribah. Selah {8} "Hear, O my people, and I will warn you-- if you would but listen to me, O Israel! {9} You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not bow down to an alien god. {10} I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it. {11} "But my people would not listen to me; Israel would not submit to me. {12} So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts to follow their own devices. {13} "If my people would but listen to me, if Israel would follow my ways, {14} how quickly would I subdue their enemies and turn my hand against their foes! {15} Those who hate the LORD would cringe before him, and their punishment would last forever. {16} But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.""

Who takes the initiative? There is no deceit or manipulation. When you care enough to confront.

(John 1:2-5)  "He was with God in the beginning. {3} Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. {4} In him was life, and that life was the light of men. {5} The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it."

If the bugle gives an indistinct sound…

(1 Corinthians 14:7)  "Even in the case of lifeless things that make sounds, such as the flute or harp, how will anyone know what tune is being played unless there is a distinction in the notes?"

His purpose “fellowship”

(Ephesians 2:19-20)  "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, {20} built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone."

Family life goes flat when people do not know how to share their problems and their joys. Paul Tourniere has observed that our conversations sometimes become like dialogues of the deaf. Each speaks primarily to set forth his or her own ideas, to justify personal actions, or to accuse others.

 

Few exchanges of viewpoints manifest a real desire to understand the other person. Communication is more than spoken words. It is the understanding that occurs when Dad's eye meets his son's, when Mom picks
up on her daughter's downcast look, when two people laugh together over a silly mistake.

The word "communication" is like the word "love." We can talk about it so much that we forget its real importance. It is the lifeline in a family! Some questions for discussion: Where did we acquire our
communication styles? What kind do we bring to our families?

We learn it!
Companionship (and communications) isn’t natural. We must train people to move into closer relationships and intimate relationships. – Nelson Foote.

Dr. James Dobson said: “All miscommunication results from differing assumptions.”

In childhood we learn much that lays a foundation for the rest of our lives. Our ability to communicate also has its beginnings in childhood. We learn to communicate just as we learn to play a piano, to ride a
bicycle, or to ski. If our parents were skilled communicators, then we likely bring to our families good skills as well.

However, if we grew up in a family that lacked good communication skills, we are not doomed to poor communications in our family! But we will need to work to develop a good system. Theodore Roosevelt said: "It is not so important what a man is, but what he is becoming. For what he shall be, is what he is now becoming."

Dr. James Dobson, in his book Love For A Lifetime, makes the point that males and females differ greatly in their communications. He writes: "Research makes it clear that little girls are blessed with greater
linguistic ability than little boys, and it remains a lifelong talent. Simply stated, she talks more than he."

"As an adult, she typically expresses her feelings and thoughts far better than her husband and is often irritated by his reticence. God may have given her 50,000 words per day and he husband only 25,000. He comes home from work with 24,975 used up and merely grunts his way through the evening. He may descend into Monday night football while his wife is dying to expend her remaining 25,000 words."

Wife (Sue)                                                                   Husband (Peter)

Words are powerful

(Job 19:2)  ""How long will you torment me and crush me with words?"

(Proverbs 18:21)  "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

(Proverbs 21:23)  "He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from calamity."

(1 Peter 3:10)  "For, "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech."

The Miracle of dialogue

Dialogue is to love what blood is to the body. When the flow of blood stops, the body dies. When dialogue stops, love dies and resentment and hate are born. But dialogue can restore a dead relationship. Indeed, this is the miracle of dialogue. – Reuel Howe.

The Failure of Dialogue

Failure of dialogue is the crisis of our time, whether it  be between nation and nation, us and them, or you and I… Sidney Jourard.

The whole task of psychotherapy is the task of dealing with a failure of communication. The emotionally maladjusted person, the neurotic is in difficulty, first, because communication within himself has broken down, and secondly, because as a result of this his communication with others has been damaged. – Carl Rogers, psychologist.

Poor communication is the main problem in 86% of all troubled marriages. – David Mace.

Communication has two parts --sending a message and receiving a message. Seven steps can help carry a message from one person to another...the first three steps deal with sending messages; the last four with
receiving messages:

SENDING.
1. Take time to clarify. Clearly express your message, be it a statement or a question.

2. Openly share feelings. Families can talk for hours about the weather or sports. But they do not have a good communication system until they can discuss truly vital areas: what they think and what they feel.

In fact, we cannot truly be known by other people until we share our thoughts and feelings. This can be threatening, though, because as other people get to know us they learn ways in which we can be hurt, areas in which we are vulnerable.

As a result, we protect ourselves from being hurt by not discussing our thoughts and feelings. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "There is no terror like that of being known."

Eliminate unfair techniques.
In Family Communication, Seven Wahlroos defines techniques that impede communication:
- Pretending that a person has made an unreasonable statement and responding to it as if it were made. For example, a wife asks her husband to take out the trash and he retorts, "why do you want me to be your
servant?"

- Jumping to conclusions. A wife might say, "I know why you won't help with the dishes -- you just think you're so macho."

- Switching the subject and making counteraccusations. Suzie says, "Fred, you never seem to get that yard mowed." He responds, "Never seem to get the yard mowed -- look at this filthy house. You never straighten it up." Instead of dealing with the problem of the yard, the other person's faults are attacked.

- Playing the numbers game or "I try much harder around here than you do."

Receiving
A. Learn to listen.
It is probably the most difficult part of any communication system. We often think of good communication only from our perspective of presenting our ideas or of convincing another person that we are correct. Yet it is two-way: we must listen to and understand ideas expressed to us.

B. We must be sensitive to feelings.

We must be aware of and respond to the other person's feelings. Re-member that communication has two levels: on the surface are the spoken words; below the surface are the
feelings that accompany those words.

C. Learn to accept.

One of our greatest emotional needs is to be accepted -- not condemned or criticized.

D. Accept disagreement with your ideas.

When people disagree with us, we often confuse rejection of that idea with rejection of the person. When people do not make that distinction they get their feelings hurt and
be-come very angry if anyone disagrees with them.

How do we know when we are communicating?

There is a sense of freedom to express yourself. There is also a sense of being understood and an absence of win-lose arguments and a reduction of tension. There is a sense of being safe and secure in the home!

Do you affirm and support each family member? Jane Howard has written, "Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one." Robert Frost wrote, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there....they have to take you in."

We all need a place where we are affirmed for who we are, not for our abilities or our achievements, where people like us and we like them – a place of acceptance. Individuals may not approve of actions taken by
other family members, but they always accept and love them.

Is your family's work load fairly distributed?  With some 53% of American families now made up of two wage earners, whose job is it to do those many, many things which perhaps only a few (Mom?!) used to do?

Continual self-assertiveness about who-should-do-what will destroy relationships. Deepest intimacy between spouses is not possible apart from a genuine equality, a partnership. Each spouse should give to the
other the greatest freedom and encouragement to use his/her full intelligence, creativity, and productive energies.

Are decisions made fairly?
Getting the "upper hand" has no place in a Christian home! But as relationships deepen, as a family expands and grows, its members must be flexible. Family "rules" are revised as the family changes. As the children mature, so should the rules.

The difference between the healthy and the unhealthy family is not whether conflicts ever occurs. In strong families, conflicts become stages for growth. Good families learn to laugh over their disagreement
and resolve their problems together.

They "do not let the sun go down" on their anger (Eph. 4:26). Healthy families respect one another's opinions and preferences without necessarily approving of them.

The Importance of Self Esteem

(Proverbs 23:7)  "For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. "Eat and drink!" he says to you, But his heart is not with you."

We accept or reject compliments based upon our level of self esteem.

-          Ego-syntonic: our ‘gut’ agrees with the compliment

-          Ego-dystonic: our ‘gut’ disagrees with the compliment.

We ‘tape’ more criticism than positives. Criticism carries more weight and is remembered longer. We rationalize compliments. The secular value system is based on:

-          money, things

-          intelligence, wit

-          beauty

-          athletic ability

Self-steem: Guaranteed by God

Significance: I am somebody vs. I am nobody

(Romans 8:15)  "For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father.""

Security: Peace vs. anxiety

(Romans 8:1)  "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,"

Competency: I can vs. I can’t

(Romans 8:26)  "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

You are a unique unrepeatable, miracle of God – Ben Johnson

You can no longer despise yourself:

(Romans 7:14-25)  "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. {15} I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. {16} And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. {17} As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. {18} I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. {19} For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. {20} Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. {21} So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. {22} For in my inner being I delight in God's law; {23} but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. {24} What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? {25} Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

(Romans 8:1-18)  "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, {2} because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. {3} For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man, {4} in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit. {5} Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. {6} The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; {7} the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. {8} Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. {9} You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. {10} But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. {11} And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you. {12} Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation--but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. {13} For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, {14} because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. {15} For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." {16} The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. {17} Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. {18} I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

(Ephesians 2:1-5)  "As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, {2} in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. {3} All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. {4} But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, {5} made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved."

What did God give us?

(1 Timothy 1:7)  "They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not know what they are talking about or what they so confidently affirm."

Principles of Good Communication

1.      A Serving Love.

-          Love adjusts its behavior to others as they are. Not always agreeing, but accepting them anyway.

-          Love assumes the best motives are present in others. It does not judge the other’s motives by assigning the worst known to man.

-          Love believes the best of others, not comparing their weak points with their strong points.

-          Love makes allowance for others’ eccentricities; it can afford to forget oddities in order to affirm others as persons.

-          Love bears with other person’s ill-humors, overlooks their thoughtless blunders, and forgives any insults or personal attack.

2.      Build a Love Bank.

3. Transparancy.

-          A problem shared is cut in half; a joy shared doubled.

-          Deep friendships come only from mutual self-disclosure. Intimacy in marriage is simply the measure of the degree in which mutual self disclosure is carried out – David and Vera Mace.

-          If you refuse to reveal yourself to me, I cannot know you, however much I may wish to do so. – John Macmurray.

-          Honest about what? How much truth? All the truth? I push firmly and persistently for painful revelations….I have never had anything resembling a catastrophe. Yes, there is pain and upset, but these reactions can be worked through so that insight and maturation develop in both partners. – Psychiatrist, in Medical Aspect of Human Sexuality.

-          But it (marriage) does mean, in its true sense, a complete pooling of possessions and the entering into a joint life, face to face, with nothing reserved or held back. Anything less than that is only a partial marriage, with the intention of limited involvement…Many marriages start on this basis and never go any further. These couples will never know the meaning of relationshio-in-depth. – From Marital Therapy, p. 165.

4. Active Listening. (Expression, Body Movements, Tone).

-          The cornerstone of all good communication. (Matthew 11:25)  "At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children." (Matthew 13:9)  "He who has ears, let him hear.""

-          (Matthew 13:43)  "Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear."

-          Why is it so difficult to listen? Listening inertia…one can listen three times faster than the average person speaks. Selfishness: I want to respond to the first thing I disagree with, instead of hearing the person out. Proverbs 18:2 “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but in expressing his own opinion.”

-          Listen to your children. They are experts on you.

-          Characteristics of good listening: Hear completely: (Proverbs 15:28)  "The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil." Pause before you reply: (Proverbs 18:13)  "He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame."

-     Ask yourself: Are my motives pure? Am I attacking because my feelings are hurt? Am I exaggerating? Will it help?

5. Care Enough to Confront. Expect disagreement. It’s normal. Paul withstands Peter (Galatians 2:11)

"When Peter came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong." (Matthew 18:15-20)  ""If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. {16} But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' {17} If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. {18} "I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. {19} "Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. {20} For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them."" (Galatians 6:1)  "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted."

6. Contain the Conflict. Stop before heat builds up. Set some controls. (Proverbs 17:14)  "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out."(Titus 3:2)  "to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men."

7. Fourteen Rules for Fighting Fair.

a.      Assume positive intentions. Your inferences are likely to be wrong, which will only aggravate your mate.

2. Differences are an asset. They are not a liability—multiple points of view should be fully considered.

3. Be brief. Speak in sentences, not paragraphs. Stick to essentials, it minimizes counter-productive, hostile remarks.

4. Disallow anger. Call time out. About 70% of the arguments go unresolved because at some point anger pops its ugly head preventing further discussion. Signal “time out” at the first sign of anger. It is a necessary preventative.

5. Check out your understanding of your mater’s complaint. Listen to what people say, then repeat what they say, so you are absolutely sure you understand and so they know you understand. Example: “Oh, that is what you meant…I didn’t hear it that way the first time around” or “I think you are saying you won’t ever go to another party Jane schedules.”

6. Timing is important. One a.m. is probably not a good time. Neither is 15 minutes before you split for work.

7. Look for win-win situations. Agreements in which people work together, rather than declaring one party to victor.

8. Develop many points of agreement.

9. Be Specific. Instead of complaining, “I wish you were neater,” say “I would like you to hang up the towel after you use it.”

10. Never insult, accuse, or blame. “Let’s admit a problem exists. Let’s see what we can do about solving it.”

11. Don’t pull up the past. Past mistakes that have been forgiven (even if not forgotten) should not be injected. It stifles future openness (“You may use my confessions against me later”).

12. Avoid absolutes. They only beg for rebuttal, since it is the rare mate who “never” does or “always” does a given thing.

13. State things positively. Rather than complain “You never help with the dishes” say “I’d appreciate it if you would help with the dishes.”

14. Be vulnerable. Don’t be afraid to say you are wrong or sorry. Loving includes apology when you have hurt your mate.

Men’s Complaints About Wives

1.      She demands immediate answers. I want to think about it for a while.

2. She always looks for hidden meanings. She reads in meanings that aren’t there.

3. She is never satisfied with what I tell her. I don’t like cross-examinations.

4. She belabors the subject – wants all the details. Her stories take detours. Why can’t she get to the point?

5. She can’t separate the issue from the person. She thinks “If you disagree with my view, then you don’t love me.”

6. She brings unrelated issues into the argument.

7. She interrupts me. She tends to break into whatever I say before I’m finished.

8. She desires more to be understood than to understand.

Wives’ Complaints About Husbands

1.      He doesn’t listen to full conversations or even sentences but judges immediately.

2. He doesn’t respect my opinion but hears it only when someone else says it.

3. He won’t risk confrontation. If I complain, he doesn’t answer, and I feel like a nonperson.

4. Reminding is taken as nagging.

5. To him, his problems are major. Mine are insignificant and incessant.

6. He doesn’t listen – just pretends – and when I catch him at it, he gets angry.

7. He won’t share his true feelings, but they emerge heatedly later on.

8. I share feelings and frustrations, but nothing happens.

9. If something goes wrong in his life, he makes me feel as if I  have failed.

10. He can’t share the deep feelings of intimacy I need.

11. He’s too busy for communication (said by several women).

12. When he’s mad at the dog or car, why is it my fault and why does he take it out on me?

13. He can’t admit he’s wrong.

14. Why tell me about the kids’ misbehavior? Why doesn’t he do something about it? Instead, he tattles.

15. He ignores me all day and then wants quick and playful sex at night. I don’t want sex without attention first.

From Stress and the Healthy Family by Dolores Curran, 1985.

Problems in Communication

1. Words should mean only what the user thinks they mean.

2. Individual experiences are not identical.

3. Assuming we are understood.

4. Role perception, expectation

   1. The roles in traditional marriages were specific

1.      Now more wives are working out of the home

2.      Therefore, there is an increased need to communicate

b. Judith Viorst: “The family that fights together…”

5. The Message sent is not always the message received.

-          The woman may rub her nose when she is angry, or she may rub her nose when it itches. Her husband doesn’t know which, so he reacts as though she is angry when she is rubbing her itching nose. Most good marriages even miscommunicate like this about 20% of the time. When it gets more than that, then the marriage begins to get into trouble because miscommunication breeds more miscommunication.

6. Male and Female Variations.

   1. Whether these differences are from God, culture, or inherited, they still generally exist here in the U.S. It helps to understand

                                                              i.      Physical

                                                            ii.      Car

                                                          iii.      Bedtime

                                                          iv.      Criticisms

                                                            v.      Compliments

                                                          vi.      Hostility

2. In unhappy marriages, women feel unheard, attacked; men feel flooded, withdrawn.

3. Women thrive on connectedness. Women fear isolation. Men thrive on autonomy. Men fear intimacy.

4. Women and men shift in their development over the years:

                                                              i.      Males – begin independent with a desire for autonomy (in job, money, power). As the years pass, they begin to realize that this is not where their greatest satisfaction comes and begin to seek relationships, companionship.

                                                            ii.      Females – begin as dependent, wanting companionship. As the years pass, they realize that they may need to take care of themselves, so ‘retooling’ in terms of jobs, education, and finding out their own particular gifts and interests lead them to become more independent

The solution: to realize the needs/wants of each.

5. Men tend to be tone deaf and blind.

Nine Essentials For Good Communication

1. It requires good listening. Napoleon, the famous leader of France, was asked what he felt was the greatest need of his nation. His reply: "Mothers! Mothers! Mothers! Today, the answer would be: listening mothers! It takes concentration to become an active listener. Hearing is one of the body's five senses, but listening is an art.

2. Requires good eye contact.  Looking at people can tell us whether they agree or disagree with our message or not. Many non-verbal messages are received through the eyes.

3. Requires simple word response.  Oh! Is that right? Really? I see! That's interesting! All help to show interest and keep the process going. As long as you look and act interested, listen carefully, and give simple and short responses, your child will continue to send you messages until he has told you everything he has to tell.

4. Requires much, much time.  Mealtimes and bedtimes are often the best times to listen.

5. Requires sending words that are numbered.  Dr. Montessori, the Italian educator, had this motto on her schoolroom wall: "Let your words be numbered." It's a proven fact that the more you say, the less people remember." No means no, and that's it, for example.

RULES FOR SAYING NO.

1. Don't say no if you can possibly say yes.

2. Reduce your no's to a minimum during the years of 11/2 to 3-years old and between 13-15 years old.

3. Say no to things that really matter.

4. Substitute a yes, yes, in place of your no, no. Choose alternatives for reading, movies, etc., instead of giving the idea that "all are bad."

5. Requires sending words that are true.  Be consistent. Give a command and mean it, so your children will know what is expected of them. The moment a parent loses the quality of truthfulness, he clips his lifeline as a parent and becomes a transparent.

6. Requires sending words that are on time. If a child asks a legitimate question, the thing to remember is that he is entitled to a prompt and honest answer. Don't wait to discuss the need to marry a Christian when your son has given an engagement ring to an unbeliever.

7. Requires sending words that are beautiful and soft.  "I'm careful of the words I say, To keep them soft and sweet. I never know from day to day, Which ones I'll have to eat.

8. Requires a mother who is happy and cheerful. It takes time and also tests your temperature! It's not fair, but the emotional temperature of the home is usually set by the mother.

The Active Listening Process of Problem Solving with Children

1.      Use reflective listening to understand and clarify the child’s feelings. “You’re angry…” “It seems to me that you feel…”

2. Explore Alternatives Through Brainstorming. “Shall we look at some things you could do about this?”  “If you’re interested in getting along better with your teacher, what are some things you could do?” Get as many ideas from the child as possible.

3. Assist the Child to choose a solution. Help the child evaluate the various possibilities. “Which idea do you think is the best one?”

4. Discuss the probable results of the decision. “What do you think will happen if you do that?”

5. Obtain a commitment. “What have you decided to do?”  “When are you going to do this?”

6. Plan a time for evaluation. “How long will you do this?” “When shall we discuss this again?”

In order for communication to help resolve the problem, the parent must ask: “Whose problem is this?” Parents must be careful to accept the children’s  ownership of the problem and help the child deal with it, without overprotection and taking away the child’s responsibility to resolve problems. If the parent never allows the child to solve his/her own problems the child will not be able to cope with many problems in life. There are three possible answers:

1. The child owns the problem. The child has a problem because he is thwarted in satisfying a need. It is not a problem for the parent because the child’s behavior in no tangible way interferes with the parent’s satisfying his own needs.

2. There is no problem in the relationship. The child is satisfying his own needs (he is not thwarted) and his behavior is not interfering with the parent’s own needs.

3. The parent owns the problem. The child is satisfying his own needs (he is not thwarted). But his behavior is a problem to the parent because it is interfering in some tangible way with the parent’s satisfying a need of his own.

“I” Messages

“I” messages are communications of feelings, meanings, and intentions. The I-message expresses specific feelings. As you send it the non-verbal elements (voice tine, facial expressions, posture, etc.) are crucial. To be effective the I-message must be non-judgmental. Because we have been trained to cover up feelings this is a very difficult thing to master. On the other hand, many of us are quite skilled at giving “you messages.” These lay blame and criticism on the child. These are verbal attacks. It is very easy for a parent (or spouse) to use an I-message but allow it to become a “you message.”

The I-message is construed to communicate in specific terms what is causing the problem. It is often not the child’s behavior but the consequences of that behavior at the moment. For example: your children are playing, laughing, and rather noisy. That does not bother you until the telephone rings and then the playing/noise interferes with your rights because of the consequences – playing is not wrong, it is the interfering noise that is wrong.

To correct the problem try to send an I-message – “I’m on the phone and have a hard time listening because of the noise.” This brings focus on the consequences rather than the behavior. The child should understand that playing, laughing, etc., are not wrong, but when it is too loud then the noise is wrong and should be stopped.

Three parts of effective I-messages

1.      Describe the behavior which is interfering with you. (Just describe…don’t blame). “When you don’t call or come home after school…”

2. State your feeling about the consequence the behavior produces with you. “I worry that something might have happened to you…”

3. State the consequence. “…because I don’t know where you are.”

In summary: - behavior                     - feeling                       - consequence

A simple formula: When you (state the behavior) I feel (state the feeling) because (state the consequence)

The problem with I-messages:

1. They can be ignored.

2. Children can send back their own I-message

3. Children may refuse to modify their behavior.

Preventative Maintenance in Communication with children

1.      When you talk…touch.

2. When you talk – use eye-to-eye contact.

3. When you talk—be sure your attention is focused upon the conversation and the one you are talking with.

4. Never assume you know what the other is going to say.

5. Repeat in different words what you think they said.

6. Do not overreact or take immediate action.

7. Do not ridicule what children say.

Ten Building Blocks

1. A family can worship together.

2. A family can work together.

3. A family can talk together.

4. A family can travel together.

5. A family can play together.

6. A family can plan together.

7. A family can pray together.

8. A family can share together.

9. A family can sacrifice together.

10. A family can choose companions together.

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The Secrets of Much, Much Better male/female communications (Deborah Tannen).

Men and women differ in how they express almost everything!

Barriers to Good Communication

A. Negatives – The Cascade Process – a Marital Cascade Process by John M. Gottman

(Gottman believes that he can predict with about 93% accuracy which couples will divorce based solely on observing their communication patterns).

1. Complaining and criticizing (one leads to the other on the list)

-          fault finding, belittling, blaming

-          nagging, whining, quarreling

(Proverbs 11:12)  "A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue."

(Proverbs 19:1)  "Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a fool whose lips are perverse."

(Proverbs 19:3)  "A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD."

(Romans 14:13)  "Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother's way."

2. Contempt

-          teasing, sarcasm or bitterness

(Proverbs 26:19)  "is a man who deceives his neighbor and says, "I was only joking!""

(Proverbs 29:11)  "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."

(Colossians 3:19)  "Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them."

3. Defensiveness

4. Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling)

-          silence communicates – but who knows what?

-          Suppression (choking it down) brings a heavy loss of psychic energy

B. Fear of Being Rejected

The little boy in us says, “You may not like who I am, and that’s all I’ve got.”

C. Environmental and Social Pressures

1.      Materialism. When we strive for “the top” it takes precious time at the most crucial time of family needs. (Proverbs 11:4)  "Wealth is worthless in the day of wrath, but righteousness delivers from death." (Proverbs 23:4)  "Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint."

2.      Time commitments away from home. A family takes time. Some homes are too busy with outside work: civic activities, husbands bringing home office work, committees, PTA. These are not ‘sinful’ of themselves. The question is one of priority.

3.      Television and movies. There are 146 studies of approximately 10,000 students that indicate that violence on TV is detrimental to young people. (Psalms 101:3)  "I will set before my eyes no vile thing. The deeds of faithless men I hate; they will not cling to me." (Proverbs 19:27)  "Stop listening to instruction, my son, and you will stray from the words of knowledge." In one study of 4-6 year olds, nearly half “like TV better than Daddy.” A VCR can change the negative impact with National Geographic videos or great movies that built up and challenge.

4.      Alcohol. Alcohol abuse figures in nearly a sixth of all American divorces – from the Detroit News. By the time most drinking women first learn they are pregnant, it may be too late to save their babies from alcohol-induced developmental damage. Los Angeles Superior Court Judge William McKay said that “3/4 of the divorces in California are alcohol related.” O.H. Mowrer said: “Alcohol is a super ego solvent.”

(Proverbs 20:1)  "Wine is a mocker and beer a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise."

(Proverbs 23:29-35)  "Who has woe? Who has sorrow? Who has strife? Who has complaints? Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes? {30} Those who linger over wine, who go to sample bowls of mixed wine. {31} Do not gaze at wine when it is red, when it sparkles in the cup, when it goes down smoothly! {32} In the end it bites like a snake and poisons like a viper. {33} Your eyes will see strange sights and your mind imagine confusing things. {34} You will be like one sleeping on the high seas, lying on top of the rigging. {35} "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt! They beat me, but I don't feel it! When will I wake up so I can find another drink?""

D. Lack of trust.

1.      Gossip.Sharing family secrets. Share your problem, if you wish, but not your spouse’s. It closes the mouth in fear you will tell. Keep confidence even when not asked; learn to discern, be sensitive. (Proverbs 25:9)  "If you argue your case with a neighbor, do not betray another man's confidence.."

2.      Lying. A character fault. (Proverbs 12:22)  "The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful."

E. Resentments.

Love lets the past die. It moves people to a new beginning without settling the past. Love does not have to clear up all misunderstandings. In its power, the details  of the past become irrelevant; only its new beginning matters. Accounts may go unsettled; differences remain unsolved; ledgers stay unbalanced. Conflicts between people’s memories of how things happened are not cleared up; the past stays muddled. Only the future matters. Love’s power does not make fussy historians. Love prefers to tuck all the loose ends of past rights and wrongs in the bosom of forgiveness – and pushes us into a new start. – Lewis Smedes, from Love Within Limits.

Principles of Good Communication

1.      Serving Love

2.      Build a Love Bank.

3.      Transparency.

Twenty-Five Practical Steps to Good Communication

1.      Learn to accept or ignore criticism. Don’t let criticism devastate. Catch it in the glove, not with your nose. Prov. 12:16: “The prudent man ignores an insult.”

2.      Confess your faults immediately – don’t put it off! Ask for forgiveness…wait for an answer. (James 5:16)  "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

3.      Be specific and complete the first time. Try to know what you are going to say before you speak. Husbands usually “clue in” their wives with just half enough information, then resent it when the wives start asking questions. When the wives ask questions to clarify, the men do not want to respond, claiming they have “already answered” the question once. Then starts the argument and more half-answers. The cure: be specific and complete the first time. Take little for granted.

4.      Check out what you hear (say it back, or paraphrase). “Have you ever crawled inside another’s skin and looked at a thought? You can’t do it. Neither can I. We have to check.” – Virginia Satir. Examples: ways to check it out: “what did you hear me say?”  “What I heard you say was…”

5.      List three things you would like for me to do or not do and I promise to do one.

6.      Speak in the plural. “Our” children, “our” house, “our” car, etc.

7.      Don’t get out of the car for five minutes. Plan your attitude when you walk in the house.

8.      Know what an “inbetween” kiss is.

9.      Personal quiet time.

10.  Conversational Prayer. I haven’t found one family who prays together that was in serious trouble.

11.  Gut Level. Tell me the absolute, honest truth.

12.  Learn Their Interest. I learn more about you and your work when you are talking to your men friends than when you are talking to me.

13.  Use “I” Messages, Not “you” messages. “I have a problem I would like to discuss vs. the problem with you is…”

14.  Speak about ite